the week nothing went right, and still everything was alright.

Last week was that week where on Monday everything that could go wrong does.

A lot of that was little things.

The little things on Monday morning that leave you frusturated, annoyed, and wanting to go back to bed.
It didn't get any better when I got the news about Lance.
No, it got worse.

Again, I found myself lost, dazed, and hurting. How could I possibly be a supportive sister to my baby brother when I am 1000 miles away? How can I give him a hug? A kiss on the head to reassure him that everything will be alright?

A lot of things went wrong the first few days of last week.
Some, I don't even remember. Mostly because I was consumed by the struggle of my family, hoping that Lance could find some sense of peace.

There certainly wasn't any vindication when I got the email.
It didn't change the hard times that are ahead for Lance, or remove the stresses of school, the aches from field hockey, or the anxiety about all the other things going on in my head.
But I won't lie.
The email did bring a sense of relief, like a river smoothing the hard corners of rocks, I was met with a sense of ease.
I got into Ghana.

Heather, congratulations on your placement at the University of Ghana.

Was this really happening?
Was what I have been talking about for over a year becoming an actuality?

There are adventures ahead. Adventures that will challenge me, awaken me, and help me find me.

I called my parents the minute I found out. I was a bit nervous. After the week they had in trying to help my brother I wasn't sure if this was exactly a convenient time.

I sometimes feel like I'm the daughter that has removed herself from the family, chasing after her dreams, at the expense of her family. Like, I'm that daughter.

This all washed away the second I heard my parent's reactions. Instead of focusing on what will be a financial difficulty, on Lance's issues, and the everyday stresses they have, they were just so happy. Ma practically screamed, and daddy choked up. He would never admit it, but when I heard his voice get a little lower, and a bit on the shaky side, I knew he was emotionally right there with me. More than getting into Ghana, this was what I was hoping for. My parents are behind me. Even with everything else going on at home, they are ready to help me go to Africa.

Not to mention the emotional outcry in the cafeteria when I told my friends the news. I can't say I have ever seen such a beautiful and supportive scene among friends in the cafeteria. That was most excellent.

So, here I am checking off the list of things to do. Health Insurance. Plane ticket. Visa. Shots. It goes on and on.

But, before I get ahead of myself, I am consciously working to not only enjoy the rest of this semester, but to also prepare to sacrifice for my family.

This is a bit of a sacrifice for my family. Not just financially, but emotionally. Like my daddy said, his little girl is going to Africa and it's unbelievable, incredible, and scary. All at the same time.

I don't know what to do for my brother right now. I don't know what I can give him, what I can tell him. But I will be waiting. I will wait by the phone, because if he calls I will answer. If he needs to talk, I will talk. I will sacrifice for him, for my family, because my family is doing the same for me. And that's what families are for.

It was the week that I didn't think would get any better. It was the week that was a rollercoaster, and I was riding in the front seat, holding on to dear life for what could happen next. I didn't know Ghana was the next bump in the ride, but I am glad. It was still a tough week. But I guess that's why we have days and nights, and then new weeks come. It gets better, you get stronger, and you learn from those bad weeks. You need the bad weeks for the good weeks, and I know there are more of both to come.

I think I'm ready.

warriors in the big city

Think of New York City.

Think of the big buildings, the bustling people, and the noise.

The sounds of feet quickly passing through the blocks that seem endless, of taxis honking to make it through the city, and the small shops on corners that might just have the best pizza that money can buy.

Think of this, all of this, and then think about the Hendrix field hockey team among all of this.

Yes, the field hockey team went to New York, and my oh my that was some kind of adventure.

Our time in the city was just a small part of our trip over Fall Break, and from the moment we left Hendrix (at 4:30 am mind you) I enjoyed every moment. With the field hockey team there is never a dull moment. Never.

When we got to Westchester County Airport we headed to our hotel in Stamford. If anyone on the team hadn't realized it before, they would certainly realize it now—Ellie Karvoski is a hilariously bad driver. Cutting in front of other drivers should always be expected with Ellie, and if you are trying to caravan with her, well, good luck. We made it to our hotel in Stamford and the hotel was wonderful! On our field hockey trips you never know what you are going to get with our lodging facilities, but Ellie got us the hook up this time! The Hampton Inn was great and not only did I get awesome roomies for the trip (Brandie, Stephanie, Lauren, and Julia) we got a sweet room! We got the suite because we needed an extra pull-out couch with 5 people in our room, but there were certainly no complaints here. Our room did have some problems—lack of working lights and a malfunctioned door—but hey, a small price to pay when you got sweet digs.

The hockey we got in this weekend was good hockey. I think it was a good experience for us to come to the Northeast and see other competition out there. And honestly, I am happy with where we are at. Even though we lost both games, the first one against Manhattanville in overtime, and then the second against Mount Holyoke 3-0, the bottom line is that we can compete. Really, we are right there. That is a very positive our team can take away from this trip, and looking forward it seems to me that we can be real contenders in our conference. Our record doesn't do us justice right now. For the past couple weeks we have been losing games that could have easily been wins. That has been complicated for me. It's complicated because we are IN these games. We aren't getting blown out which shows the big steps we have taken. But, to lose that many games not just by one goal, but really by just a few plays. If anything had gone differently, these games could have gone our way. We are so close. So close that it's amazing, really. We are a third year team in Arkansas that can compete with established teams, and I think that is a great thing. I think it is a testament to how hard we have worked, the commitment we have put forward, and the culture we are building with our team. I like where we are going. I do.

Away from hockey this weekend, our team definitely made some great memories. Fun car rides, deep talks in the hotel room, the assassin game, those crazy sock puppets, Katie dancing in the train station, Kelly singing at our team dinner, having great food at Ali's house, "This is so much fun" game, getting lost, the city, pretending to do homework, pillow fights, taking pictures, and everything in between.

After this trip, like I have learned the past couple of years, I know I can count on these girls for anything. Really, that's what it comes down to. Being on the field hockey team is a big commitment—bigger than probably most people even realize. Practicing every day, in any type of weather, and then sticking together throughout the whole season is just a small part of being on a team. It gets even tougher when trying to balance life as a college student too. But, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I can close my eyes and remember that moment when playing hockey in college became a definite "no." I remember thinking that walking away from field hockey was better for me anyway, and that really it's just a game. And yet, here I am. I can also remember that moment when I changed my mind. When everything worked out exactly how it should have, and I got a chance to keep on playing. It is just a game, but it's also a group of friends, a team, and community, and that is something I will have with me forever.

I love field hockey.

this little struggle of mine

I have been struggling for a little while.

A minute struggle, a struggle that in the grand scheme of things doesn't even show a blip on the map.
There's a lot of hurt in the world. A lot of pain. And a lot of tears.
And so maybe, I know that this little struggle is just that--a little struggle.
I've faced harder things, that's for sure.
I've dealt with heavier things, no question.
But this problem--this wall--has crumbled down.
And it's nice. I feel like I can breathe again. I feel like I can just be me, all pretenses to the side. I feel like I'm home.

I couldn't talk to God.

Progressively, over the course of days and weeks, closing my eyes to pray was a lot like trying to eat when you aren't hungry. When you try to run and you havn't had any water. And when you take a test without studying.
It felt forced.
It felt strange.
It felt fake.

I couldn't talk to God because I was holding back. Or rather, I couldn't bring myself to just let it all go.
And the funny thing is, there wasn't really anything in particular to let go. It was just me. Me, my guilt, my emotions, my thoughts, my dreams, my pain, my happiness, my laughter, my tears, all of it.
I was keeping it inside.
Maybe I was scared what I would find if I just put it all out there.
As if God didn't know.
As if I didn't lay it all out before anyway.
But for a few weeks there, it was kind of scary. Uncomfortable. Stifling.

And worst of all, lonely.

It was like being surronded by complete beauty, and then being utterly unaware. I had to force myself to see something beautiful, and when that happens you know something just isn't right. Beauty shouldn't be that hard--not when I am around incredible people, wonderful scenery, and I get to bear witness to the love of humanity everyday.
But.
Beauty was hard.

I can't really explain what happened. And, I can't say I am one hundred percent cured! Aha! Praise God!

No, no. I am not back to where I started. But guess what? I don't think I want to be.

I think this little struggle of mine was a chance to grow, a chance to endure. Faith and God just can't be easy all of the time. And even though life in every sense was wonderful, I didn't have it together with my heart, and my faith.

So, now.

Where am I?

I don't really know. I don't know about the status of my journey.

AND THAT'S OKAY.

I don't find it healthy to identify my spiritual journey in terms of where I am. Instead, right now, I feel wonderful talking to God. I feel honored, I feel loved, and I feel right. Even if I'm sad, scared, worried, at least the words are there. At least, in the very least, I am still somehow manuvering through life with God right there with me. That's all I can really say. But from here on out, there can't be any "status" on how I'm doing with God. The ups, the downs, that's real. It's okay to fall away, even if just for a short while, because coming back makes it so much more worth it.

Here I am, God.
Here I am.
I don't do it right most of the time.
I screw up. I'm mean. I'm rude. I make mistakes. I hurt people. I lie. I am selfish.
But God you give me the opportunity to be a lot more.
And I'm so thankful for that.
This little struggle of mine is small. It's barely caused a ripple in the sea. But You've helped me all the same. Help me find my way home again.
Help me breathe.
Help me just inhale the fresh air of this world, really just take it all in, and then love.
Love, love, love.