the rope

You live your life.

you and your mess

it's littered with bad choices, filled with excuses, you are drowning

And yet it is I that cannot breathe.

miles away and still in the same room you always want me on your side

you are the master of right words and

I believe you.

Believe, believe, and believe

Over and over again like a bad song on the radio that repeats itself I somehow know and sing the lyrics and start saying them to myself all over again.

"It will get better, it will get better," I say to myself

I believe you. And when your words fall like broken glass,

I too break

When will you stand behind your words?

Because words are just that – words.

Trust me. I want you to succeed.

I cannot do it for you. I am pulling, pulling, and pulling only to see it is for nothing

I am pulling a rope tied to nothing.

Only you can make a change.

I will go on loving you. I will always love you.

I will not pull the rope.

Deep down, I keep breaking. I keep breaking as I watch you tempt fate and try this balancing act.

but I'm putting those pieces together once again, choosing to hope that change does in fact live in you.

I will wait. and wait. and wait.

But no longer will I pull the rope.

free falling

I went snorkeling for the last time this morning. Audrey and Jeffrey were busy catching waves; Dad and Gretchen were soaking up precious time on the beach, so Lance and I put on our gear and ventured out in the ocean.

The powerful waves naturally take swimmers near Black Rock—where all the beautiful coral and swarms of marine life are located—so I just let the water do its thing. Next thing I know, I was alone, brushing up against the high tide. For once, my mask wasn't filling with water and I was free to explore. If it is high tide it usually isn't the best time to snorkel, but I just had a feeling that I might see some cool fishies.

I managed to maneuver myself past the murky water, full of the unknown, and made my way closer to shore. In the process of doing so, I ran right into hundreds of fishes. Hundreds! Swimming all around me, I laughed, forgetting that sea water would fill my mouth and nose. I come up quickly for fresh air, fixed my mask, and went back under. I was captivated. Orange, brown, green, yellow. What were all these fish doing? Where were they going?

Later, as I was reflecting upon my adventures in the water, I thought of Tom Petty's "Free Falling." He sings the he is going to leave this world for awhile, and I think I finally get what that means. It's finding relaxation, peace, and a sense of release from everything that brings us down. That's what snorkeling felt like this morning. Freeing.

At the beginning of this trip, I didn't know if I would find this sense of release. I really just wasn't sure. Tension was abounding every which way. News of Lance due to be a father was weighing us all down. And, just on one of the first nights we had in Maui, Lance and I talked intimately about his depression and it scared me. I saw glimpses of a brother I did not know. Even Gretchen and Dad were expressing issues in their marriage that I didn't know existed.

One night, I went on the beach alone and just cried. I said aloud things like, "Why is this happening?" or "I just can't do this." I think I was talking to God, but I really don't know. I couldn't understand how a place like Maui—a place of astounding beauty—could be bringing so many issues to front—wasn't this supposed to be vacation? I was so sick of dealing with everything. I had hoped vacation would be a BREAK from the emotional stress of the past few months, and yet, here I was thinking I would need a vacation from this vacation.

Mom called early on in the trip and I had to pretend everything was fine. I'm a terrible liar, and somehow she believed me.

However, as quickly as the emotional turmoil came, it seemed to leave just as quickly.

The rest of the trip—the past 4 or 5 days—have been just about perfect.

I realized things were going to be okay as I rode a bike down a mountain (a volcano, really) a couple days after we arrived. I was riding behind our leader and careful to follow his movements; we glided through the road at speeds topping 20 or 25 mph. At one point, I looked around and could not believe where I was. I was about 8,000 ft above sea level and yet I could see the turquoise and navy blue waters perfectly. I could see the neighboring islands, I could see green lush everywhere I looked, and the sun was peaking at just the right point. I was happy and confident things would (and will) work themselves out.

Upon return from our bike ride, Audrey and I played in the ocean for hours. We body boarded, letting the sand penetrate every inch of our bodies, and just had fun. Yes, things would be just fine.

Our last full night in Maui, our family, including the Deckers (Gretchen's sisters family)—sunkissed and content—had dinner as we watched traditional Hawaiian dancing. We took some pictures, laughed, and enjoyed an overly expensive subpar meal.

Dad and Gretchen have begun to work through their issues.

Lance seems happier than he has been in some time. Despite my own questions, I will continue to believe that he is turning his life around. We recently found out that he will in fact, no be a father. It's a complicated situation, but I won't deny that we have discovered new heights of relief.

Audrey is maturing and expressing her feelings more openly to me than before and it's such a nice change. I like having a little sister and though we have never been extremely close, I see things changing for the better in our relationship.

So, after a week of beaching it in Hawaii, soaking up the sun in December, and wearing a bathing suit at all times, where do I stand?

Well, I'm tanner. Should add a little spice to Christmas photos!

But really, I think I'm more fully aware now more than ever that I can only control myself. I cannot fix my family problems. I never have been able to, and I never will. It's been a hard lesson, something I have struggled with for a long time, but it's a much needed one. I am letting it be, or at least I will try to. It's far too draining to make everything better myself, I don't need to. I don't have to.

My dad gave me my birthday present early. After dinner one night, he took me to the Pearl Factory. He let me pick an oyster to open and find a pearl. As the woman cracked it open, the oyster revealed a beautiful pink tinted pearl. I picked a Maile leaf design for the ring. As I put my pearl ring on my finger, the woman told us the ring design is symbolic and based on a leaf that only grows in Hawaii. The leaf represents love, honor, and respect, and is given to someone who has achieved something special. I was humbled, appreciative, and so happy that this was my gift from my dad. I figure as long as I long as I live my life with those three virtues in mind, then great and beautiful things will continue to happen.

I am sad to bid farewell to the ocean and the stunning island of Maui, but I'm fulfilled from the experience and ready for the next adventure.

I'm ready to return to the world for awhile.

You did it.

As I helped him button his shirt, using the lint roller to make it look perfect, simultaneously attempting to put his blue tie in place, I took a step back and was proud of the man that stood before me.

This man, my brother, has had some of the most difficult experiences the past couple of years. He's grown up a lot. He's been through a lot. And, there were certainly times I wasn't sure he would make it. I didn't know if he could make it to this milestone; I wasn't sure if he could ever truly believe in himself. I never gave up; rather, I just didn't know when the day would finally come.

It came today.

Lance graduated high school.

It's a milestone for everyone, I know, but for Lance this is huge. He's going to college this fall, and he's enrolling at Colorado State University with an attitude that has been missing for the past year or so. It's my brother. He's back.

He is happy. I can sense it in the way he hugs me, in the way he carries himself, and in the way he talks about his future. God truly answers prayers, and this is a big one. Lance has a new beginning before him, and he really will do great things. God has something so beautiful and incredible planned for his life.

Lance is pretty much the funniest person I know, he likes cheese just as much as I do, and he always, always makes me laugh. He will do anything for the people around him, he always knows what to say, and he doesn't take life lightly. He lives it to its fullest.

Lance makes me proud to be a big sister. I feel more comfortable around him than mostly anyone, I tell him absolutely everything, and some of my favorite memories in my life are right alongside him.

One time, coming back from Utah, and driving around 1am, we stopped for coffee at some random gas station. I put some of this magical energy stuff in my coffee since I was driving and Lance rode shotgun to help me stay awake. To this day, I don't know what was in that magical stuff, but HOLY MOLY. I went psycho, like, even more crazy than I already am. So, as we traversed through the Rockies in Utah, I was laughing, singing, and saying the most absurd things, with Lance laughing right along. I smile just thinking about it. Or, when I think back on our childhood summers, I remember our long bike rides to buy slurpees and chili cheese dogs (extra cheese, of course) from the barnstore. I remember making football plays in the front yard, and Lance always letting me play quarterback because it was my dream. I remember catching fish up in the mountains and thinking we were so cool…only for mom and dad to tell us later that we fished out of a pond that they fill with fish so you will basically be guaranteed to catch anything. I remember forcing Lance to play barbies with me, putting a dress on you and taking pictures, and walking barefoot outside, thinking we were clearly the most BA people ever to live.

I also remember how I felt when you hugged me after my last field hockey game in high school. I remember how you listened to me talk to you about my dreams, worries, and hopes until 4 am one night, letting me sleep on your floor in your room. I remember talking about rugby this past winter, and our day out together when you decided you wanted to play. And, I will now always remember how you looked walking up to get your diploma. Strong, confident, fulfilled, and happy. You did it, Lance.

We've done so much together, and after this summer, this is his chance to go out and find himself. College. It's allowed me a chance to discover who I really am, and I thank God Lance is going to have a chance to also experience this.

He will be a Ram, wearing hunter green and gold, and he will wear it well.

Congrats, class of 2010.

 

Dear Lance

I hate that you don't see what I see.

I find myself frustrated that you believe so much in others and can't even believe in yourself.

You're in a rough place right now—trying to bounce back from your seizure and trying to battle depression at the same time.

I wish you could see what we would do for you.

I would do anything—as would everyone in our family—because we love you.

I don't understand it, and I'll be the first to admit that.

But I do understand this—you will do (and have done) great things.

You words hurt sometimes. They sting like hot coffee in my mouth early in the morning. And yet, they are just words.

You can do better and so can I. We all can. We all will.

You inspire me. You are capable of overcoming anything. This time will be no different.

I love you.

the week nothing went right, and still everything was alright.

Last week was that week where on Monday everything that could go wrong does.

A lot of that was little things.

The little things on Monday morning that leave you frusturated, annoyed, and wanting to go back to bed.
It didn't get any better when I got the news about Lance.
No, it got worse.

Again, I found myself lost, dazed, and hurting. How could I possibly be a supportive sister to my baby brother when I am 1000 miles away? How can I give him a hug? A kiss on the head to reassure him that everything will be alright?

A lot of things went wrong the first few days of last week.
Some, I don't even remember. Mostly because I was consumed by the struggle of my family, hoping that Lance could find some sense of peace.

There certainly wasn't any vindication when I got the email.
It didn't change the hard times that are ahead for Lance, or remove the stresses of school, the aches from field hockey, or the anxiety about all the other things going on in my head.
But I won't lie.
The email did bring a sense of relief, like a river smoothing the hard corners of rocks, I was met with a sense of ease.
I got into Ghana.

Heather, congratulations on your placement at the University of Ghana.

Was this really happening?
Was what I have been talking about for over a year becoming an actuality?

There are adventures ahead. Adventures that will challenge me, awaken me, and help me find me.

I called my parents the minute I found out. I was a bit nervous. After the week they had in trying to help my brother I wasn't sure if this was exactly a convenient time.

I sometimes feel like I'm the daughter that has removed herself from the family, chasing after her dreams, at the expense of her family. Like, I'm that daughter.

This all washed away the second I heard my parent's reactions. Instead of focusing on what will be a financial difficulty, on Lance's issues, and the everyday stresses they have, they were just so happy. Ma practically screamed, and daddy choked up. He would never admit it, but when I heard his voice get a little lower, and a bit on the shaky side, I knew he was emotionally right there with me. More than getting into Ghana, this was what I was hoping for. My parents are behind me. Even with everything else going on at home, they are ready to help me go to Africa.

Not to mention the emotional outcry in the cafeteria when I told my friends the news. I can't say I have ever seen such a beautiful and supportive scene among friends in the cafeteria. That was most excellent.

So, here I am checking off the list of things to do. Health Insurance. Plane ticket. Visa. Shots. It goes on and on.

But, before I get ahead of myself, I am consciously working to not only enjoy the rest of this semester, but to also prepare to sacrifice for my family.

This is a bit of a sacrifice for my family. Not just financially, but emotionally. Like my daddy said, his little girl is going to Africa and it's unbelievable, incredible, and scary. All at the same time.

I don't know what to do for my brother right now. I don't know what I can give him, what I can tell him. But I will be waiting. I will wait by the phone, because if he calls I will answer. If he needs to talk, I will talk. I will sacrifice for him, for my family, because my family is doing the same for me. And that's what families are for.

It was the week that I didn't think would get any better. It was the week that was a rollercoaster, and I was riding in the front seat, holding on to dear life for what could happen next. I didn't know Ghana was the next bump in the ride, but I am glad. It was still a tough week. But I guess that's why we have days and nights, and then new weeks come. It gets better, you get stronger, and you learn from those bad weeks. You need the bad weeks for the good weeks, and I know there are more of both to come.

I think I'm ready.

the wild wild west

Aurora, Colorado to Las Vegas, New Mexico 305 miles

Las Vegas, New Mexico to Sanders, Arizona 287 miles

Sanders, Arizona to Flagstaff, Arizona 153.1 miles

Flagstaff, Arizona to Needles, California 306.5 miles

**Grand Canyon**

Needles, California to Barstow, California 138.5 miles

Barstow, California to Bonsall, California 294.2 miles

**San Diego**

Bonsall, California to Barstow, California 267.7 miles

**Las Vegas**

Barstow, California to Glendale, Nevada 496.4 miles

Glendale, Nevada to Junction I-70 (Utah) 237.6 miles

Junction I-70 (Utah) to Parachute, Colorado 305 miles

Parachute, Colorado to Aurora, Colorado 236 miles

TOTAL 2,722 MILES

I knew this trip was going to be good. Somewhere between awaking at 4 am to get on the road on Day 1, Dad's continous singing and ridiculous dancing to The Who and Bruce Springsteen (which, for the lack of our ingenuity by forgetting to bring any other CDs, we listened to the ENTIRE road trip), and the beautiful scenery on the endless roads in Colorado, New Mexico, Arizona, California, Nevada, and Utah, I became aware of just how cool this was. This was no ordinary road trip. I was getting the chance to explore. Explore the West, explore the frontier. Okay, maybe that's being a bit dramatic. After all, it is easy to develop some over sentimental and romanticized version of the West, the land of cowboys, horses, and ghost towns, remaining from the crazy days of the wild wild west. Nevertheless, as we rev'd up the F-150 (yes, we took a freaking TRUCK for our epic journey), I knew I would be seeing and experiencing things that were just...beautiful.

After I woke up just past Trinidad, Colorado (the sex change capital of the world, mind you) I began to immerse myself in a new book. It's called Leaving Microsoft to Change the World. It's one man's story of leaving behind the corporate world to help with illiteracy worldwide. It brought me back to Vietnam, and I spent some of the first moments on the road remembering. Remembering the incredible children, the village, and how I fell in love with Vietnam. An interesting thing to think about as we trekked out West.

As we pulled up for fuel in small town, Arizona, we were welcomed to a full service gas station. Window wiping, oil checks, the works. They even pump your own fuel. I had never seen a full service gas station before. Ever. To make matters even more interesting, the man helping us was a Navajo Indian, dad said. My dad can be ruthlessly shy at times, but for whatever reason, always makes friends pretty easily on trips, and talks to strangers for days. He talked with this guy about his life, him working at the station, and living on an Indian reservation. It got me thinking--because we passed reservation after reservation during our car ride in the Southwest. What is it like? How would it feel--are they happy having land and area to preserve the practices? Or are they pissed? Having to just, I don't know, stay secluded and stuck on a limited piece of land. I don't really understand it. But I want to learn more.

****************************************************

The Grand Canyon

You can google image the Grand Canyon all you want. You can find pictures in books, pictures that you might think do it justice. But, when you walk slowly towards this magnificent creation and just stop. And look. The goosebumps are overwhelming, and it's clear no picture could do this place justice. The Grand Canyon is in a word, grand, and honestly, it didn't feel real to me. It was so surreal, it looked like God was painting on this earth and He just kept going. It's large. It's huge. And it didn't look real to me. Seriously. The colors of reds, browns, pinks, oranges, greys, and more unite together and just pop. The crevices are neverending, and the shape of the rocks and the canyon itself is remarkable. It was a moving experience to see the Grand Canyon, and even though tourists were everywhere, license plates from California, Pennsylvania, Florida, Arkansas (GLORY!), and even people from all over the world, I felt strangely alone. I closed my eyes and felt the wind, and smelled the rocks, and could not believe I was in the presence of something so...cool. This is just the begininng of the variety of American landscape we will get to see.

*****************************************************

San Diego

So, I feel dirty. There's sand under my nails, the scent of salt on the skin of my body, and sweat seeping through my bright orange Hendrix shirt. So, really, maybe I'm clean. Because I feel rejuvenated, relaxed, and joyful. I just got back from a run around San Diego, on Fashion Valley Boulevard, no less, and before that, soaked up all the California sun I could. You see, earlier today we drove through the Mojave Desert and it was HOT. Yet, even with the A/C running, I wanted that heat. So, I pushed the gas pedal harder, anxious for our rendevouz at the beach. I wanted to go fast like the red mustangs cruising passed us, to leave the Sierra Nevada in the dust, and to beat the sun. It was a race, a race I wanted to win. I guess the California sun has an interesting effect on people, or at least weirdos like me.

Yesterday was another sunny day in Southern California. We spent the first part of the day at Sea World. I loved seeing the animals. Especially the manatees and the orca whales!! But, as awesome as it was to see "Shamu" and company, I just found it unsettling to watch the animals perform tricks for thousands of people. Maybe it's all they know, but what if know about the world out there. About the expansive ocean, about the ocean floor--what if they know!? They should be free. I don't know the whole story though. And I did have fun at sea world, I really did. But I couldn't shake the vibe of consumerism and capitalism there. Later, at Mission Beach, we met up with Savannah and her and I had the chance to catch up. I love seeing Hendrix people outside of Hendrix. She took us to downtown San Diego, and her and my family just hit it off, despite our conflicting conversation about Obama and the pending health care reform situation. I guess you can't win them all. Wow, I'm so glad we came here.

*****************************************************

Las Vegas

Vegas is unlike anything I have ever seen: there are so many lights, people, and energy. But I suppose that doesn't separate it from any other big hoppin' city. Las Vegas is all this--and more. It's flashy and extravagent. Frankly, it's sinister. Billboards and cards are all over the place with nearly topless women. The place just screams money & sex. And for a little while, I didn't like it here. I just didn't get it. And then, slowly, I started to feel the fun vibe. People come here to relax and party. And I looked around, and saw people genuinely having a good time. Maybe I don't drink, maybe I don't even party that much, but hell, if I was 21, I could come here. I could come with my girlfriends, and we could have fun. I know it. After all, there was a show that featured HOT Australian men...enough said. I sneaked passed the casino frequently, with Lance riding my tail, to catch a glimpse of gambling. It's a strange world, and it was one of those things where you just can't look away. Vegas is kind of like that. You just can't look away. Now, would I get married there, as I saw some do? HELL NO. But, for a couple days of laying on the roof top pool, walking the Vegas strip, and riding intense rides on the top of our hotel (over 1000 feet in the air!) I had a great time. And as quickly as we came, we left. On our last night, after getting into bed right around midnight, my dad jokingly said we could leave then as opposed to getting up at 4 am. We laughed. And then decided, what the heck, let's just do it. Spontaneity at its finest. We jetted out of Vegas right around the time when most people's nights there had just begun. And we drove back to Colorado.

What a trip!

*****************************************************

It's an interesting thing, to begin a summer exploring the land of Vietnam and then ending the same summer roadtripping across the West. A perfect way to begin. A perfect way to end. And then theres everything in between. I saw beautiful things these past 3 months. Things that have changed my life. Things that have challenged me. As I pack up and hit the road, leaving home for my other home, I'll look out the window and smile.

But as the sun sets, it also rises.

A new day begins.

A new year at Hendrix.

A new year of adventures.

I'm ready.