kids

I am lucky. Every morning or afternoon that I decide to take a run here in Colorado I often have clear skies, perfect temperatures, and the mountains as my backdrop.

When I am on my runs my mind does one of two things. On some days it might be running in circles, thinking about everything I could possibly think of, while some days my mind finds balance, and I don't think about much at all.
Three days ago it wasn't one of those days where I had a peaceful run. My run was spastic; I really was all over the place. Some of that was due to the issues Lance has been having, some of it was rooted in dealing with an assortment of emotions after finally being home and leaving Hendrix, and actually some of the thoughts that circled in my mind were about what I wanted to do with my life.
I've spent a lot of time trying to find the perfect descriptor, the perfect way to encapsulate what I want to do after college. I've been looking for the right label, the right career.
And just like clothes and everything else in life, labels just really don't work for me.
I don't really know what my future is going to look like. I can admit that. I do know, with full certainty though, that whatever I do after Hendrix, kids will be involved. I've got a lot of learning left to do, but in my nearly 21 years of life, many of the moments that stand out have been with kids. It's also true that these moments with kids has brought new insight into my life, with some kids teaching me more about life than I could ever learn on my own.
On the corner of Colfax and High Street turn right. Park 2 blocks away. That way, you can get in a nice brisk walk to clear your mind. You will pass an elementary school on one side, and one of Denver's historical districts on the other. Scratch that. Before you really see the historical district, filled with Victorian architecture, you will probably be distracted by the fading homes along the sidewalk. Not quite projects, but not quite comfortable living, it's hard not to wonder what it must be like to live in these Capitol Hill Apartments. You will walk in and immediately head to the third floor. This will lead you to the family area section of the Gathering Place. Smile at the women you pass in the stairwell. You can't imagine the battle they are fighting. When you enter the family area, the colors are vibrant, toys are everywhere, and there is laughter. This laughter comes in the midst of pain, loss, and fear—more than I could really ever understand. Yet, there is laughter, and the kids seek this.
I seek this too.
Lizzy, Janet, and Jesus taught me how to love God even when it is hard to comprehend the trials we all face in life. The prayed with me—in Spanish and English—and made me feel a part of their small family.
Betty showed me how to be a friend. She especially showed me how to smile and how to be kind always.
Ezekiel, even though just being a little guy, taught me how far a hug can go. Ezekiel means "God will strengthen" and I always felt my spirits lift when I was in his presence.

Being with kids has always been easy for me. Okay, that isn't completely true. How can I forget the crazier moments, the moments that made me want to scream? I've watched kids who cry the minute the garage door closes, I've had kids hide from me, and I have also dealt with rather intelligent kids who try and bribe their way out of bedtime. So, it hasn't always been easy. But even with the kids that are less than delightful, I still find myself wanting to be with them, wanting to help them.

Kids love easily and want to be loved back. That's what I want to do, I think. I want to just be in a position to love—to show kids out there that someone does care. I want to help kids know that they too can get an education. More than anything, I want to assist them in fully realizing their potential. Somehow, I want to show kids the strength they have inside, and how they can use this in life to find their calling, to reach their dreams.

I don't know what you call that.
But, it may just be my calling.

This is what I was thinking as I glanced up at the endless sky, more blue than I have seen in quite a long time. No, it wasn't a day that my run was calm, smooth, and effortless. My calves were spotted with a mixture of dirt and snow, my legs were sore, and my mind was buzzing. But, I guess when you think about the things to come, about what to do in life, and about the blessings and opportunities God provides, it's hard not to get just a little excited.

Betsy & Janet at TGP

http://www.the-gatheringplace.org/

Sweetly Broken

When you go through rough times in life, they always say there are stages you go through, stages that you progress through, as your attitudes, emotions, and the situation itself changes.

Last year, my sophomore year, I spent some of those months and weeks angry and mad. I remember feeling lost, confused, mad, and pissed. Pissed to the point where in the midst of crying in a Starbucks bathroom, trying to read the face of my best friend, and trying to sort out of all the feelings I had after our meeting with that man, that I couldn't find any other word other than a bad one to say. I tearfully spatted, "What the fuck?"

And that pretty much summarizes how Michelle and I were feeling.

I was in a hole. A hole, that I wasn't sure I could get out of.

We were lost.

I was lost.

Christianity, and God, and what was being done right in front of me, was just not making any sense. Beliefs that I had maintained were being challenged, and I was being turned off from a brand of Christianity that brought me to a breaking point.

Thank God, I kept praying. Thank God, He gave me such supportive and wonderful friends. And thank God, He brought us to Greenbriar. Greenbriar isn't perfect; nothing manmade on this beautiful Earth really can be. But it was what I needed. It was what I was looking for you. And though I had lingering questions, my faith was not so much of a stumbling block, as much as it was like an ocean reaching land, just wanting to get a taste of something real.

God helped me get through the muck. The confusion. And now, have I figured it all out?

Oh no, oh no. But that's not really the point.

My love for God, and the recognition of His love for me has become even more real, more than ever before. God is big. He is more than what us humans can even comprehend. And He knows that I've been to a dark place, that I've had my moments, that I've almost walked away, and that I've had a struggle. A big one. And yet, through it all, I've always felt loved. Never alone. I really, truly believe He has been with me the entire time because only His grace, only His love could get me through the hard times.

And it's not as if the hard times are over. Because believing something, having faith, it just isn't easy.

And you know what? It shouldn't be.

Just this summer I've had to see, witness things that made me want God to fix, and that even made me frusturated with being faithful.

I've wished God would bring more resources to my friends in Vietnam--a better bathroom, an accessible way for the children to receive education, and an awareness among the world of the extent of poverty.

I've wanted God to find a way to protect the women at The Gathering Place. I've wanted him to just provide, because ultimately, isn't that what our gracious God does?

And then I've relalized--sometimes slowly, sometimes right in the moment--God is with us. He is with the children in Vietnam just like He is with the children in Denver at The Gathering Place and just like He is with me. I can't even begin to understand How big his love is for them. In Vietnam, despite lacking in some resources, an abundance of love was in all of the people we met--we were welcomed with graciousness into their communities. And at the Gathering Place, despite women living in projects or on the street, many women exude faithfulness unparalled by many; I have sat at a table with a women and her 3 children and prayed with them, as her child asked for blessings for the hungry and the strength to get through the week.

And that is God.

God knows the need.

God knows the world--and He is with them.

And, when I looked over at Thelma this morning, I was reminded that it is important to care for each other, and to pray for each other, but that it is equally important to trust that it's in God's hands too. With Him, change will come. And I was reminded of this from Thelma because of everything she reflected.

Thelma can be immediately spotted when you walk into the massive sanctuary at church.

Maybe it's because she's a loud woman.

Maybe it's because she's a big, black woman.

Maybe it's more so because she's the only loud, big, black woman at church.

But also, because of the way Thelma comes to God.

Today, as I carefully walked in the middle of the congregation, I glanced at her. And right before I nudged my mom to tell her that my angel, Thelma, was in attendance today I saw her weeping. She took out a kleenex, removed her big ole glasses and wiped her tears away. Putting the tissue down slowly, she then raised her hands, high and with gusto, and sang the worship sonds LOUD and with the some serious soul power. Seriously. She seemed to be struggling, but I saw her give that to God. I couldn't believe I has just witnessed something so purely genuine, and beautiful. What an incredible, moving testimony to faith.

Through all my frustrations, anger, and doubt, there came a point where I could simply embrace God and just that. And deal with the implications, the doctrinal sensibility, and understand what makes sense as I move forward with my spiritual life and my relationship with God. In church this morning, I didn't focus on the words being uttered that would my spark my critique. I tried hard not to judge the message too quickly. And I avoided being angry at the call for evangelical unity. You see, I have spiritually diverged significantly away from Fellowship Community Church, but at the end of the day, I just wanted God. And singing, from the very deep rooted love in my heart, with my eyes shut for God to paint a picture, I felt that today. And that, was just what I needed. Sweetly broken I may be, but I am just so in love with God. And so joyful that even through tribulation, love can overcome anything. Love really can move mountains.

"Though our feelings come and go, God's love for us does not."

--C.S. Lewis

Embracing the human spirit

The world in which we are born is just one model of reality. Other cultures are
not failed attempts at being you. They are unique manifestations of the human
spirit.

This is a quote that is sitting in my supervisor's office at The Gathering Place. I fell in love with it the minute I read it. Partly because I think it says so much in so few words. And also partly because I am experiencing this to a certain degree. No, I am not experiencing other cultures in the sense I am immersed in somewhere half way around the world, but I am building relationships with women and children who do have a different model of reality. Their idea of reality does not take origin in the cookie cutter houses of suburbia, the overflow of money to buy nice cars, or expensive vacations every year to exotic locations. Oh no. Quite the contrary. The people that I have met at The Gathering Place each experience their own culture. It could be the beautiful, elderly grandmother raising her her grandchildren because they have nowhere else to turn, it could be the young girl who calls living in a cramped, hot room at a shelter home, and it could be the woman roaming the streets not only searching for sustenance to surivive..but of her own self-existence. Many of the women and children have a deeper dilemma than their inability to afford rent or food; they have no idea who they are. They are searching for their human spirit. Something they can relish in. Something they can nurture and watch grow. It is a unique experience to watch along side as they grow. I have found myself biting my tongue right before I give my 2 cents. Right before I, a 19 year old who is the LAST person to offer advice, suggest what these women should do to take their next step. I have quickly stopped myself knowing that I would be totally out of line. This is their journey..I am only their to offer my love and support. I am not there to dictate on others should live.

Unique manifestations of the human spirit. Hmm. Makes you think right? As I have spent the last 3 months with children and women and watching them grow, my heart has been transformed. It has been such a God thing to have these children in my life. 2 weeks ago it happened (again). A little girl, Betty, stole my heart. Her smile is quite possibly the most beautiful smile I have ever seen and her heart..oh my. I can SEE God in her. I CAN FEEL IT. Over the last few days we have spent together we have played games, read books, and I have been trying to teach her how to read numbers. To watch her engage in such learning has been overwhelming. She exerts this spirit that is undescribable. Let me reiterate this. SHE IS 5. And the way she looks at me, the way she laughs, and the way she talks is unmistakable. She has the Spirit inside of her. I can' really even describe it in words. I connected with her in a way that I have never connected with anyone else. And she is 5. Kids say the darndest things ;)

This summer is coming to an end rather quickly. I, as usual, am a bundle of mixed emotions. How excited am I to go back to glorious Hendrix College?!?! I am stoked. Yet, there will never be summer like this again. That is soo obvious..but think about it. Michelle said it perfectly the other day. There are seasons of change to everything, and the status of many of my relationships will not be the same in a year from now. I am fine with this. Really. But next summer..most of my friends in CO will be..grown up. At least in the sense that they will haev their own apartments and all that jazz. Maybe even I can do some growing up! Tehee. How can I even put this summer into words? Amazing? Awesome? Nope. Doesn't do it justice. I couldn't even imagine this summer without my friends, my experiences, and my family.

Audra. This girl unquestionably is my partner in crime, my best friend, my rock. She knows what I am going to say before the words are even out, she laughs at my jokes, and she puts up with me in public. We have been through a lot. Yet, we are stronger than ever. Her passions inspire me. Her heart makes me look inward and see whats inside. She has such a presence in my mind and my life that her tagging along to family functions is fully expected. She thinks with her heart but also has a very innate sense of logic. She will go on adventures with, sing with me, veg out with me, eat with me..anything. She is there. I love her and admire her to the nth degree.

Hardy. Jessica and I are completely in sync. She gets me. I get her. She has a passionate yet easy going attitude with life. She lives every moment for that moment. She is one of those people that is truly ALIVE. The muck does not wear her down; she finds God's grace in everything. It's amazing. She is also hysterical and I think if I actually ate somewhat healthy and had abs..she would be the reason why. Our times coaching together will be cherished by me because it was THAT fun. I know our friendship has just begun to blossom.

The family. Adjusting to being back home was a journey. Quite the climb up a mountain, if you will. Yet it was WELL worth it. My mom and I have a deeply rooted trust and understanding. At the core, we are very similar. Steamboat Springs brought us closer together and as we finished our 10 mile hike, I couldn't have been prouder of her. My dad and I are quite the opposite. What do we have in common? We are both weird. And that keeps us laughing. My time in Mexico with Lance and my dad created a lifetime of memories for us. I am so blessed to have that. Lance. What else can I say? He above anyone puts up with me. Good and bad. He encourages me to get through anything. He makes fun of me..but at the end of the day I could make fun of him for the exact same things. He is more sensitive than anyone would ever guess and I love him dearly.

Yet, as I temporarily say goodbye again to my beloved Colorado I can once again say hello to ARKANSAS. I can get excited as I feel that 110 degree heat hitting my face on the field hockey field, I can officially embrace being a G-WAY girl for the first time (VZ was SO last year, duh), I can work on catching a southern accent, and best of all? I GET TO SEE MY FRIENDS AGAIN!!! My darling Michelle, Rachel, Ali, Jorgy, Ruanda, Lexy, Katie, the hockey team, and everyone else. Finally. I can't wait to cause mayhem again. I really don't care that I will be a sophomore in college. It's Hendrix College. Hello? Being weird is not only perfectly acceptable but totally expected. Teehee. I have missed them more than they will know. What does God have in store for me this year? Ha. Couldn't tell you. But I sure can't wait to find out. I will be a busy little bee with school, work, hockey, being a EPA, VAC, Stumo, and all my other activities but that is just fine. In between the rebellious activities with Michelle (music videos in mills anyone?) and school and everything else I can continue to grow in my walk with God. I can continue to build on that love and make it stronger. Ohhh baby!

Life, as I know it, is only getting better with each day.

Summer Ramblings

The rich and the poor meet together: the Lord is the maker of them all.

Proverbs 22:2

Mondays and Tuesdays have quickly become my favorite days of the summer. Every Monday and Tuesday morning I make the drive from Aurora to Denver. Of course, I am not talking beautiful 16th Street Mall Denver. I am not talking about LoDo or Cherry Creek where you can find extravagence on every corner. I am talking about Colfax Denver. The bad part of town. It takes me about 40 minutes to get to the Gathering Place and I truly love the drive. Listening to my IPOD and sipping coffee allows me to wake up every morning and just mentally, spiritually, and physically prepare for the day. I get the view of the mountains from Arapahoe Road and everytime the sun is shining I know that good things are to come. Once I turn on Colfax the scene totally changes. Sure, the sun is still shining. But the sheer poverty of the area is evident everywhere. Homeless people are roaming for blocks and blocks, the buildings are slowly decaying away, and low income housing is rampant. In one drive to Denver I can learn a lot about how people live.

My time at the Gathering Place has truly been undescribable. There is nothing that I could say that would do it justice; I can only say that I love the place immensly. I feel so apart of the family there, and I have made friends with some of the coolest kids ever: Ezekiel, Moses, Dixie, Isaiah, and Lizzy to name a few. I love having little kids as friends. They are so willing to love. They love with no questions asked. I almost feel guilty; I feel sometimes I am taking away more than I can ever provide them. My little buddy Ezekiel has recently been put in daycare. This is wonderful news. This means that his mom is getting a job and trying to build stability in their lives. As a result, we don't get to see him much anymore because they are not relying on the resources of the Gathering Place as much. I am so proud of them. I am so HAPPY for them. I have been praying for them, and I believe this is God's intervention in their lives. I love that in place surronded by violence, gangs, and drugs good things can still happen. I see women everyday making small, but significant victories in their lives. From finding housing or staying clean from drugs, GOOD THINGS HAPPEN. This idea is important to me because when I started my internship at the Gathering Place I prepared myself for sadness. All the time. Yes, I see sad and terrible things on a daily basis. But the good things always seem to outshine everything else. What a blessing.

I have to come to love this stage in my life. I am fully able to work 2 jobs, have an internship, and coach and somehow still have time to spend with family and friends. This summer is a great stage in my life and I am excited to see where else my adventures take me. I love being a 19 year old who still loves to play Marco Polo at the pool, who loves watching Disney classics, and who loves late night ice cream trips. Growing up is good. It is necessary to discover things about yourself and how they impact you. I have discovered that age is temporal, but love is not. I will always love things I have done as a child, and as I mature, I will still love them. I love the warm Colorado sun, I love random summer days, and I love playing basketball with my family as dusk begins to set. There is just something about being home. Something intangible; something extraordinary. I know I will be ready to go back to Hendrix in the fall. But as for now, I am going to enjoy every moment. Every second. Because I truly want to LIVE. I want to feel God's presence in all that I do. I know He is with me and that He will give me strength when I am weak, and carry me when I fall. I am okay with falling. I am okay with not being perfect. He is there. Really, that is all that matters.

Three passions have governed my life: The longings for
love, the search for knowledge, And unbearable pity for the suffering of
[humankind].
Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness. In the union of
love I have seen In a mystic miniature the prefiguring vision Of the heavens
that saints and poets have imagined.
With equal passion I have sought
knowledge. I have wished to understand the hearts of [people]. I have wished to
know why the stars shine.
Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens, But
always pity brought me back to earth; Cries of pain reverberated in my heart Of
children in famine, of victims tortured And of old people left helpless. I long
to alleviate the evil, but I cannot, And I too suffer.
This has been my
life; I found it worth living.

-- Bertrand Russell