Lines & Walls

I feel myself closing off

Which says a lot, since I feel like all I ever do is let people in

It is easier to shut people out, you know

The baggage you carry can just fall by the wayside and you don't have to deal with that stuff if you really don't want to

You can draw the line

You can put up a wall

And I've done that before 

Hasn't everyone?

Aren't relationships often filled with a variety of walls meticulously placed to cover any flaws we are afraid will emerge?

And for me, those walls came crumbling down when I decided that that isn't any way to live

I have nothing to hide

I am who I am

And If I'm on guard, I pray I let it just come down

Or If I keep walls up, God willing there is a reason

Can you really ever know everything about someone?

Can you really know everything about yourself?

Footprints

They always say that people come and go in your life. Some, supposively, leave footprints. These are engrained in your heart, your mind, and your soul.

Can you ever know which people will stay?
Or, can you ever really take hold of a relationship meant to exist only at a certain time?
The people who have walked in my life are numerous, barely recallable, as I mentally think about old friends, strangers, fleeting relationships, and those who stuck around awhile, and even those who left as quickly as they came.
I remember Mrs. Hamilton from 3^rd grade. She taught me to love, well me. There was a time in my life where I didn't have a ton of confidence In myself, and still Mrs. Hamilton helped me see that who I was was something to be proud of. We were penpals until I was in middle school, and she always reminded me that liking country music was cool no matter what the other kids thought. She encouraged me to read, to explore, and to appreciate the knowledge you can find out there in the real world. I was the quiet, shy, and curious kid in my class and she let me be exactly that.
I remember Erik Bromley. I was practically head over heels for that boy from the beginnings of elementary school until 7^th grade. We had our moments of holding hands, but I think that was only because I would take out the boys during the epic soccer games at recess. Surely he wasn't after my refined femininity. I remember that he "broke up" with me over email. Classy, right? I was that love sick girl in middle school for him, but really, I could have done so much better.
I remember that homeless man in DC. He played the drums on the streets and we took a picture with him. He made me laugh. And our class thought he was so cool, and I did too. I struggled to understand why he could only fit his belongings in one bag. I can see his smile, his laugh, and I can't help but wonder what he's doing now.
I remember my great grandmother Lillian. She died when I was 7, but if I close my eyes long enough, I can see her face, feel her holding me. She was stunningly beautiful, and a woman of love. I remember her house in Nebraska, the way the color pink filled the room, and our large family crammed in one room, laughing. Lillian would play with all of the kids—my cousins—and I loved it there. I hate that I didn't say goodbye. I didn't go to her funeral.
I remember Roslyn from Birmingham. We met over coffee at Highlands Methodist and she was homeless. Yet, that was hardly her identity. She was beautiful, with remarkable features. Her eyes were big; they looked like they could hold all of the world's pain and love. At once. We talked openly about my college journey and her adventures in life. We emailed for the next two years, when suddenly the emails stopped. I don't know what happened, who stopped writing, but as I contemplate whether I should write one back, I can't help but wonder if she was just one of those people to come in and out of my life.
I remember Jennifer, my best friend up until middle school. We were childhood friends, our daddies had grown up together too. I imagined we would be friends forever, just like our daddies. Distance. It was really all it took. Jennifer isn't really Jennifer anymore. She identifies as a man now, and I suppose this is why I have avoided her the past couple of years. I think she has also hesitated in seeing me. She might not know what I would think. I think she is probably right. I don't know if I will see her again. Jennifer has changed, as have I, but I look fondly on our summer camp adventures, trips to the cabin, and fishing with our daddies.
So many people have left footprints.
Some that have left footprints in my heart are still around. Or maybe they are long gone, but I guess what I am trying to do, as I will the rest of my life, is to appreciate the people in my life for the time that I have them. Time and relationships are both fragile and I hope to learn one of these days that whether the people around me are staying or going isn't really the point. The point is that they are here. Now. And I can learn from them while they are around, so that I won't take for granted the days I have with them. I have been feeling this way about everyone here at school. I have deep relationships here: friends, teachers, mentors, teammates, and acquaintances. I know they won't all last once we leave Hendrix. It makes me worried. But instead, I can accept this and live it up while I am here.
My memories from Hendrix already mean something to me. I can't imagine these memories 20 years from now.
Still, the Hendrix experience is lasting another year and a half. No need to get ahead of myself.

i'm just a summer girl.

"You were given life; it is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight."

--Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat Pray Love

I was anxious about this summer. I was excited about this summer. I was worried about this summer. And I was ready for this summer. To the core, I may be a reckless, winter loving mountaineer, but deep down, I am a summer girl.

Already it is June. Already the temperatures are starting to peak. And already, I am wondering where exactly this summer is taking me.

Starting the summer in Vietnam was...well...beautiful, to say the least. To have such an intense, life changing, and amazing experience in just 10 days, and then return back home was whirlwind.

And when I returned home, I was happy. It was good to be back in the cool Colorado altitude, the company of my family, and the familiarity that coming home always provides. I was thrown for a loop when I lost my job after a week of being home, found myself in the midst of some rocky family business, and in an unsure place with my friends. And yet, I knew, no, I felt that everything that was beautiful was here. It was with me. And just because a few things spontaneously alter my plans for this summer, well, it just goes to show that sometimes plans suck. Plans don't always leave room for the unexpected, for the alternative path, and hell for the right path. Humans are wrong. A lot.

What I have learned in just a short month, has been to find beauty in everything. It's easy to write about, it's even easier to talk about, but being able to find beauty in not just the overt wonders of life, but also the small things. The things that others may not find at first. The things that look like nightmares at first. The things that are covered in what looks to the straightforward mind as worthlessness, when really they can mean the world.

Having some of my plans go kaput is beautiful.

Finding a passion for yoga is beautiful.

Rekindling old relationships with friends is beautiful.

Sunbathing in my backyard with my blind dog by my side is beautiful.
Crying is beautiful.
Laughing is beautiful.

Going to the pool only to be rained on is beautiful.

Having diverging viewpoints about God and spirituality is beautiful.

Having my best friend live 45 minutes away is beautiful.

Returning to the Gathering Place is beautiful.

Running in the State Park is beautiful. Being able to run 40 minutes without stopping is beautiful.

Singing in the car is beautiful.

People watching in City Park is beautiful.

Writing letters and receiving letters is beautiful.

Missing my best friends is beautiful.
Eating too much icecream is beautiful.

Driving on I-25 and being stuck in Denver traffic is beautiful.

Watching my brother make mistakes and then learn from them is beautiful.

Reading until the wee hours of the morning is beautiful.

The more I search my heart, the more I meditate on the summer that I have been having, I find myself having few complaints. I am blessed to have what I have in my life. I think the people, the circumstances, the spirit, and the beauty around me is a lot like watching a magnficent sunset over the west to the Rocky Mountains, seeing the perfect golden colors intertwine to remind us of what this glorious Earth holds for us. What God provides. And then to know, that the sun will rise the next morning, with equal beauty, and equal magnimity.

And it's also beautiful to know that the small things do matter. And that when I return to school, and back to my life at Hendrix, saying hi to acquaintances walking near Mills, sending sweet notes to my friends, watching the squirrels run around like hyperactive toddlers, and just enjoying the experience as a whole is what matters.

It's funny because this summer I have had time alone to think. I always value the time I have alone, but this summer I have grown as an independent woman, more than ever before. I've been thinking a lot about change, particularly in regards to the environments that I have been in--from high school, to college, to my home, to around the world--it has all impacted me, and I have responded to change in such different ways. When I graduated high school, and my friends and I took pictures outside the Ritchie Center on the DU campus, I recognized that change would likely happen, but that it couldn't and wouldn't change my relationships with my friends. As far as I was concerned, we were solid.

It's all changed.

The dynamics that I have with my friends at home are all sorts of crazy. Nothing is the same, and 2 years ago, I never would have predicted what has become of my relationships. It's been bittersweet.

And maybe, instead of fighting this change like I did 2 years ago, you can use change to carry you from one life experience to the next.

That's really what this summer is about for me. I am changing, I am digesting the changes that have already occured, and have yet to come. It's all beautiful. It has to be. Because it is our duty to find beauty in life, no matter how small. No matter how slight. No matter how insignificant. Life, and everything in it, is, at its very essence, beautiful. I'm really just a summer girl. Not because of the hot and sweltering sun, not because of the long lazy days with the girls, not even because of the freedom to take spontaneous adventures. No, I'm just a summer girl because it's in the summer where I can thrive in my independence, I can reflect on the change in my life, and I can accept the little things as beautiful. Yes, I'm just a summer girl.

alive

It was a spectacular day.

Not in the normal day to day activities but in something more.

It was the weather. It was the feeling in the air. It was the atmosphere. It was everything.

I went running this morning at 7 and the feeling of the wind meeting my face was exactly what I needed. To see the sun glistening over all of Arkansas, and all over the world is humbling, it makes me feel alive. That's why I think I loved today so much. It made me feel alive.

I feel alive when I am laughing so hard, I can't stop. When my brain starts losing oxygen because I havn't taken a breathe--when my abs are actually getting a workout from my deep, raucous, and obnoxious laughter. Laughter makes life so real, so in the moment.

I feel alive when I'm in the mountains. Whether we are driving and passing the undescribable views, or whether we are climbing to the peak, and the snow capped Rockies are the backdrop to my world. It's those damn mountains, with their jagged edges and sentiments of tranquility that remind me of how human I am. And also, how grand God is. The world is at our fingertips, and we are only one small part. When millions of trees, animals, and flowers are surronding you, and all you can see for miles is the forestry of the mountains you know this. You know that you are small, so small. But you are loved. So loved.

I feel alive when I sing. I'm not good. I'm not the next Kris Allen. No, by any vocalized standards, I'm pretty bad. But, driving along the long stretch of highway and singing "Come on Get Higher" or "Fearless" especially after a Sunday morning after church is just amazing. With your hand reaching for the world outside the window, it's like you can breathe in life. It's like you are in another realm of happiness.

I feel alive when I am with kids. They touch my soul, they know my soul. Nothing makes me happier when I see an adorable child and they smile back at me. It's like confirmation for everything I love in this world. They love without any hesitation. They energize me, they bring me lots of smiles, and they warm my heart.

I feel alive, really alive, in the presence of love. When I have that connection with someone, where you can feel their heart. I do mean that. I love when you can be completley yourself around someone else, and they can do the same, that is love. When you witness love, between a mother and child, between friends, between complete strangers, that makes me feel alive.

This year at school has come to an end and I couldn't describe how many moments I have truly felt ALIVE. Practically, everyday. I live in one of the most beautiful states, learn from incredible educators, engage in conversation with amazing people, and have had the chance to grow, but not in the way that is linear, in a way that it is a journey and this is just apart of it. Saying goodbye was much harder this year. My friends, are just, apart of me now. It hurt my heart more than I expected, but I'm looking up. The end of the school year is opening up the door to a summer where I will be challenged, and where I will be exposed to something totally new. A summer where I really can expect the unexpected. I can already taste the sweet scent of hot summer air. Here's to being alive.

This world makes me feel alive.

And even when it rains outside, even with the sun is not shining, still let it shine.

Feel alive. Be alive.

mi familia

I have really good friends.

The kind that will go to almost every field hockey game to cheer you on, even if they have no idea what is even going on.

The kind that will take crazy pictures and videos with you, and will add them 20 minutes later on facebook.

The kind that sing at the top of their lungs right along with you, so nobody can actually realize how bad of a singer you are.

The kind that laugh at your jokes, just so you think for a moment you are some kind of funny.

The kind that will hug you, listen to you, laugh with you, all because they love you.

The kind that take the good with the bad, and love you because of exactly who you are.

The kind that want to share life with you, because they know that life is beautiful and is even more beautiful when shared with other people.

Exactly two years ago I decided to choose Hendrix College as the place to go to school and get some higher education. I knew it was a risk, but I felt so right about it, so at peace about it, that I couldn’t ignore that feeling. I knew God was taking me somewhere special, but I didn’t know it would be something like this. I didn’t know how much my life would change from Hendrix College.

I have found what makes my heart go wild, I have seen things I never thought I would see, and I have been places I never thought I would go. I am so lucky, so blessed. My life perspective has completely changed and I feel more myself than I ever felt in my entire life. At Hendrix I found a home away from home. I am happy here, and I could not have asked for more.

One of the best parts of this home?

My friends, obvi.

We have become a family. How could we not? We eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner together. We talk about classes together. We do homework together. We watch movies together. We have conversations for hours on end about anything and everything. We dance together. We live together. My family of girls here is something I wouldn’t trade anything in the world for. Just a few weeks ago we had a discussion about how things would have been different for us if we did have boyfriends. If we were in relationships at the beginning of college, we thought about how this would affect where we are now. Of course I want a man, but really, that will come when the time is right. The time may not be right at this current season in my life because I am exploring my life with a great group of friends. It is them that keep me sane, keeps me laughing, and makes everyday so much better than I could ever imagine.

My group of friends are in one word: quirky.

But my goodness, they are fun. Our little family is filled with exciting, interesting, brilliant, and some of the most beautiful people that I ever met.

Ali: I remember reading a field hockey article about her during the summer before freshman year. The article spoke to how talented she was in the goal, and it made me question why the heck I ever thought I could play college hockey. How could I play with someone so skilled, so talented? Needless to say, I was intimated even before we met. I remember the first week of preseason Ali and I didn’t talk much, but when she threw up due to the heat and dehydration during practice I felt a great sense of concern. I don’t know when it really happened, but over the course of the season and towards the end of first semester we started to become really good friends. I always wanted to sit by her on the bus, and we slowly got to know each other. And, once I met her mother, I was so glad we did. I think Camille is just fabulous.

Anyway, once Ali and I became roomies halfway through freshman year I knew it was legit. We always have so much fun together, and I feel so comfortable around her. I can ask her anything, do anything, say anything, because once you live with someone all those barriers come down. I rely on Ali more than I do a lot of people, because I know she always has something to say that provides a new insight or perspective that other people may not think of. She doesn’t think of the world and of life in the typical way, Ali can see an issue or situation, and approach it in a way that I would never think of. Ali is a passionate person, quite a bit more subdued than myself, but I think that works well in our relationship. I do the stupid things, Ali laughs, and we just crack each other up. Ali inspires me because she speaks her mind, and holds nothing back. She doesn’t care what people think, and I think God put that influence in my life so I could learn from her. Luckily, I have.

Ali is reminiscent to me of the blue of the ocean, not limited to one hue, but has layers and layers of colors, ranging from turquoise to a deep, enticing navy blue (hello, this will be my wedding color someday LOVE IT). Ali is a complex person, someone who doesn’t give away everything about herself at first meeting, but someone that you can learn something new about everyday. I love that, it inspires me. Ali has a big heart, and I feel so lucky to have even a little piece of that, she has changed my life and I know that she has come into my life for a reason. She is my field hockey soul sister, my roomie that somehow puts up with my quirks (yes, write a handbook, Michelle will need one!), and one of my best friends. I love you Ali.

Jordana: One word: Habitat.
Sorry, but that WAS the best OR trip. Ever.
I remember meeting Jordana on that trip, and after just one evening of a bunch of us girls gallivanting around the roads in those beautiful Arkansas “mountains” I knew we would be great friends. The first thing I remember ever thinking about her was how cool her name was. What I didn’t expect, was for such a cool girl to behind the name.
After OR trip we started hanging out, and I was so happy to meet someone like her. First of all, she laughs at stuff that I say, which is a major plus. More than that though, she has this vigor and approach to life that keeps you coming back for more. Jordana is from the city, but she doesn’t think she is better just because she is from a super duper cool place; in fact, I admire how open she has been to embracing the wonderful state of Arkansas. Deep down, I think she has a little southern girl in her, even if she never admits it. Jordana and I were immediate friends, and I have had some of my best times at Hendrix with her. Everything from Wal-Mart trips, to Jewish dinners, to walking around campus, has been infinitely more fun because of Jordana. If I need a boost, I go to Jordana because she genuinely cares about people and what they are going through. Sometimes I think Jordana should write a book. Not only is she an amazing writer, but I think she would have good stories to tell about herself, and other people. She seeks to know people, not to merely know people for the sake of it. It’s a quality about her that I love.
When I think of Jordana I can’t help but think of her personality being similar to that of a red scarf. Okay, laugh. But keep in mind that I adore scarves. They keep you warm and fuzzy, and can be made from the most elaborate material that tells a story. I don’t think of a plain red scarf of course, I think of a scarf that you would find from a vendor in the city. A scarf that has intricate gold patterns, and has been beautifully crafted—it is one of a kind, one that nobody else would have. I think of red because Jordana is bold. Not overbearingly so, but enough where she stands out (I also think she looks good in red, but that is beside the point). Red is a color of love to me, and Jordana has a lot of love to give. I never thought one of my best friends would be a New Yorker. Especially a New Yorker without an intense accent. Oh well, weirder things have happened. Love you, Jorgy.



Lauren: I met Lauren for the first time when she visited as a prospective student and field hockey player. She was quiet, actually, really quiet, but I didn’t think it was weird. I just figured she was really shy and who wouldn’t be scared on their prospective visit? I was so excited when I heard she was coming to Hendrix, not gonna lie, I definitely facebook creeped her and thought she would be a great addition as a player to the team, but also as a friend.
As it turns out, I was right. I never anticipated growing so close to Lauren but I am so glad I did. I cringe when I think back to one of our first team practices—after it was over, I rushed up to Lauren, asked if she was a Christian, and then invited her to our women’s bible study. I try so hard not to be awkward sometimes, but I guess you can’t really help who you are. And then when Lauren came over to Ali and my room after the epic Olive Garden adventure (3 bowls of pasta, yo) something was there. Little freshman Lauren was watching a movie with us, and it just seemed so natural. Needless to say, we all started hanging out together and our friendship grew quickly. I love that I can call Lauren “Lil Beast” because it makes me feel motherly. She calls me “Beast” and though it doesn’t exactly make me feel like a WOMAN if you know what I mean, I know that us having these nicknames was just the start of our relationship. The great thing about Lauren is that everything she puts on the field is exactly what she puts into life. She is determined and passionate. It has been motivating for me to have her in my life; she makes me want to work that much harder, to finish that much stronger. Lauren is like the little baby in the group. Not just because she is a freshman…I don’t know that is just how I see her.
Thinking of some engrossing metaphor for Lauren was hard. I meditated about what Lauren makes me reminisce about, and then I finally thought of Lauren as a tire swing. Yes, that sounds weird and strange but Lauren has a child-like quality about her. She is a little kid at heart, and even when she is freaking 90 years old she will still be watching power rangers with her great grandchildren. When I see a tire swing, I think of long summer nights just going back and forth on the swing, loving the sun, and embracing exactly where I was in life. Lauren does this—she clinches every day as a chance to love others, as a day to live life. Green is Lauren. She is happy, heartwarming, and has a spirit of vitality. Lauren is youthful, but despite this, still has a sense of maturity that you can see in her when you really get down to it. I have learned a lot from Lauren and I am thankful for all that she has done for me. I love you Lil Beast.


Michelle: If you’ve ever met another person where you have had an immediate connection, an indescribable connection, a connection so strong that you knew it was fate that you were to meet, then you might understand what I felt about Michelle when I first met her. She was the girl who lived next door—in the big, spacious study room no less. I recall sitting in my room feeling ready to make friends. I don’t know why, but I got up, closed my door, and started walking around. Right away, I saw her room open with a bunch of people sitting on the couch. I remember thinking I should go introduce myself. What else did I have to lose? When we discovered later that we were on the same OR trip, well, the rest is history. We were instant friends—our first night of the OR trip was spent laughing. Literally. She laughs so hard, and so loud, and it sounds like a squeal. But her laugh is like music to my ears. I can’t even describe how our friendship evolved, it kind of just did. We danced to Pussycat dolls, took weekly shower sing-alongs, and talked about life in a way that was new and refreshing.

There was one time that Michelle slept over in my room one night. We stayed up till gosh, early in the morning, just talking. We talked about everything. It was amazing, and one of my favorite conversations ever. After that, I think I began to know her on so many more levels and I began to realize what a strong yearning Michelle has to find beauty in life, and it has affected me more than she would probably ever realize. Michelle radiates love and God. She really makes the people around her happier, and has this astounding ability to just live. So much of how I have grown since the beginning of freshman year is because of her. Soul mates, I do believe, exist. I also believe Michelle is my soul mate.

Michelle makes me think of a pink flower. It wouldn’t be a big, obnoxious flower that draws attention from all of the smaller flowers. It would be the flower that is yearning for sun, growing steadily, and exuding a bright pink. It would be the flower that you would never want to pick; it would be just too beautiful. More importantly, if Michelle was a flower, it wouldn’t be just found in gardens. It would be grown in the wild, where the sky was limitless, and the fields of green were vast and boundless. I love you Michelle.

Rachel: Can I just say that the fact that Rachel was Mrs.Frizzle for Halloween this year speaks to what an awesome person she is? Yes, hella awesome right thurrr.

I met Rachel through my old roommate. We hung out a lot the first few days of our college experience. Rachel was warm and welcoming from the moment I met her, and I remember loving how red her hair was. I would soon discover though, that there was a lot more to Rachel than just her kindness and her red hair. Rachel is brilliant. She loves history, which immediately brought us together. She is also from Arkansas, something she FOR SURE needs to be proud of. Represent my friend. I think I realized we were going to be great friends once she, Michelle, and Jordana started hanging out more.

One of favorite things about Rachel is the way she plays Apples to Apples. Or rather, the way she ridiculously plots against everyone else in Apples to Apples. Ha. You can find out a lot about a person in Apples to Apples and anyone that has trump cards like festering wounds is someone special. I love that she plays goofy, it is absolutely ridiculous and hilarious. Rachel is pretty much like that outside of Apples to Apples, she embraces being eccentric, and I think it has made me even crazier. I feel perfectly fine acting insane around her, and I’ll admit that I think Rachel is just as crazy, she just hides it better. I also love who Rachel is in the very core of her being. She truly has the best of intentions, and she is kind to everyone around her. I believe she is gorgeous, stunning, and I wish she gave herself more credit. God has provided her with so much beauty, and I can’t wait to see where life takes her, and what she does with all of the gifts she has.

When I think about Rachel, I can’t help but think of the glorious Arkansas Razorback. Rachel holds so many similar qualities to the razorback…ha, just kidding. Actually, when I think of Rachel, I can’t help but think about the tips of the Rockies. The Rockies are so awe-inspiring, and so mysterious, and honestly, Rachel is mysterious too. She isn’t mysterious in a way like an Edward Cullen, but rather she doesn’t always express how she is feeling. Still, I know Rachel, like me, has a special place in her heart for the mountains. Rachel exemplifies the color of baby blue, someone who is gracious, kind, and stands out no matter where they go. I think the mountains perfectly accentuate the color of blue, especially, at the peak of the mountain, and I think Rachel is finding that peak in life. But maybe it really isn’t about getting to the peak, as much as it is about the climb. Rachel is climbing, and she is going somewhere spectacular. I love you Rachie Poo.

i want to fall in love

"God has set within you a femininity that is powerful and tender, fierce and alluring. No doubt it has been misunderstood. Surely it has been assaulted. But it is there, your true heart, and it is worth recovering. You are captivating."

--Stasi Eldredge, Captivating

I want to fall in love.
It’s pretty simple.
I want a man to look me in the eyes, and not just look but see. And not just see, but know. And not just know, but understand. Not just understand, but adore. Not just adore, but love.
Is that a lot to ask?
I mean, really?
I want a man to hold me in his arms so that when I need to escape the sadness and cries of the world I can go to him. I want to melt like a little marshmallow in sweet, enticing hot chocolate. I want his arms to protect me, to nurture me, to embrace me.
I also want to hold hands.
Not the hand-in-hand friendly old fashioned kind of way. I want our fingers to hold onto each other and we can walk with an extra bounce in our step, because together we can do anything.
We can go to parks. To anywhere.
I will go anywhere.
I want a man that laughs at my jokes, can make me laugh too, and will smile just because he wants to. I want a man who will ask deep questions, and will know that none of us have the answers, but will have the discussion because we like to be sophisticated wannabe intellectuals. We’ll even go to Starbucks, just because we love the aroma of coffee and the sensation that envelops your mind when you enter a coffeehouse.
I want a man who will want to eat ice cream for no reason at all and even better, will eat it and watch football at the same time. Even if he doesn’t like the Broncos, I want a man who appreciates the fun in just relaxing and watching the game.
I want a man who likes to read, because he’ll have to something to do when I read Nicholas Sparks.
I want a man who will travel. Travel to Wal-Mart—or if he is a anti-consumerist and looking to rebel—the Farmer’s market. But also I want us to travel far away. New York. Mississippi. Canada. Europe. Africa. Asia. I want to see the world and I want my man to see it too. We will see it differently, and we can relish in our unique perspectives.
I want a man who balances my extroverted, crazy, ridiculous personality and can tell me when I need to take it a decibel level down.
I want a passionate man, a man who stands for something. A man who sees life as an adventure and wants to go on it with me. A man who loves God, and will share this love with me so we can spiritually grow together. I want a man who deeply loves, a man who shares his dreams, a man who makes me whole.
I want Dennis Quaid.
Ha. Joke.
I want a man, but maybe I want the wrong man. Maybe it’s an idealized, unrealistic man—a man that is constricted by the norms of society, a man that is a puppet to my limited vision and understanding of the world. A man who exists on the big screen, but not here. Not in this life.
I could believe that. I could believe that I’m living in the clouds. I could forget what I yearn for and instead search for what doesn’t make my heart move.
But I can’t.
I can’t honestly and truthfully abandon what I am looking for in a man because I have seen love like this.
I’ve seen the adoration that is shared between my parents and step parents.
I’ve felt the mesmerizing look of my grandma to my grandpa.
I’ve exclaimed at the husband and wife who come into Dairy Queen every Sunday after church; he holding onto his cane with all his might, and using his other hand to touch the hand of his wife. She of course has a walker, and needs that touch of love to make it to the next step.
I’ve witnessed the completely smitten and affectionate glances between the Farthings’s at church. He even sang karaoke to her at the Valentine’s Banquet, as she looked on with tears rolling down her cheeks.
It exists.
Love does exist.

I havn’t had a boyfriend.
Sure, you could count Donny in 4th grade, Erik in 6th grade, Matt in 8th grade, and Corey in 11th grade, but these weren’t real. These relationships had hardly anything other than the fleeting emotion of a teen crush. I haven’t been involved in a serious relationship with a boy—a meaningful relationship. I know it’s a matter of time and that it will happen when it is supposed to happen. Mommy tells me this quite often. But patience is hard.
I can’t help but wonder, is it me?
What am I doing wrong?
Am I not pretty enough?
Am I just too loud and overbearing?
Am I just downright uncool?

What is the reason that I have yet to be pursued , to be adored, to be loved by a boy?

I am trying really really hard to come to terms with it.
To accept that it will happen.
To trust God.
Again, easier said than done.

For now, I will keep my eyes and heart open. I won’t lose faith and I’ll hope that one day I’ll have a real good story to tell my grandbabies about how I met good ole gramps.
I’ll try and realize that right now I am blessed with the opportunity to explore life, the world, and my heart. I am on a journey at Hendrix, and right now it may not be the time in my life to have a man. I have the most wonderful group of friends, here and at home, have a family that is the rock in my life, and am seeing the love of God more and more everyday. I’ll try and understand that a man will come in due time. At the right time. When it is meant to happen.

And…
If I’m 30 and still single, well maybe by then gay marriage will be legal in many places..ahem…Michelle? You game?
Ha. Joke again.

I’ll try and not worry. When I see a couple with that special spark in their eye I’ll breathe in, smile, and know that timing is everything.
I’ll continue to watch The Bachelor with my girls, laughing at the absurdity of what that show demonstrates about “falling in love.”

And I’ll walk and gaze at the sky as I always do, say a prayer, and look at the beauty around me. And know, that I am never truly alone.
Ever.
<3