a puddle of thoughts

Michelle splashed in puddles today.
She wrote some poetry about it, and conversly, was reminded of this piece that I wrote.

I wrote this one year ago. Literally, to the day. Hello, that is freaking cool. Ironic. And a reminder of how much can really happen in a year.

It was the first "blog" I ever did. : )

I woke up this morning to the sound of pattering on the window. It didn't occur to me that it could be raining outside, but as I glanced out the window I quickly realized that I would be wearing my black and white polka dotted rain boots today. I threw on my winter jacket that always reminds me of the slopes at Copper Mountain, and walked to the cafeteria so I could make my infamous egg creation (ahem, for those unaware, this consists of a couple scoops of scrambled eggs, salsa, green peppers, tomatoes, and cheese.) Yes, I take my food seriously.

As I walked to the cafeteria and encountered a multitude of puddles I couldn't help to reminisce when I was little. My grandma would pick me up every Wednesday from Ponderosa Elementary School. She would wait for Lance and I, and once we got settled at her house we took our weekly trip to the frozen yogurt shop. She would always encourage us to get something healthy, but being Grandma she never said anything when I got the item with the most chocolate. We would go to the Hampden Library and check out books..and movies...and have a movie marathon that night. My, how time goes. We don't have sleepovers anymore. My grandma has lost her ability to walk and cannot even function independently on her own anymore. Luckily for us, God has blessed her with a strong heart. She doesn't give up, and I can only hope to get that from her one day. Anyway, that was a tanget. The puddles I walked through today on the way to breakfast reminded me of one particular instance when she picked me up. I must have been in 2nd grade or something, and it had rained quite a bit one afternoon. As I was walking towards her welcoming and gentle arms I came upon a huge puddle. Unlike many of the other kids who were splashing and crazily jumping in all of the puddles, I stopped. I looked for an alternative path and chose to walk around the puddle refusing to get wet. My grandma embraced me into a hug that I will always treasure. She looked at me with her deep blue eyes and told me, "Heather, honey, you are so cute. You aren't like the other kids who are jumping around. You went around the puddle. Just wait till you are older when you won't want to stop jumping in puddles." I had no idea what she meant by that. I thought she was crazy..why would I ever want to get messy and wet in a puddle of rain?

10 years later I get it. I mean, at least metaphorically it makes sense. Jumping around in puddles is about more than just getting wet. To me jumping in a puddle means taking a chance. It means taking risks, trying new things, and being a little crazy. My grandma predicted it right on target. As I am on my journey here at good ole Hendrix College I had a realization this morning. I love jumping in puddles. I love being crazy. I love growing in my experiences and in my relationship with God.

Ever since I have been at Hendrix you could say I have been jumping in puddles since I got here. I got involved in field hockey at the college level, am involved with things I never could have imagined, and have seen things that I would never have thought of before. I can't really describe it. It's not a physical change that I am going through. I would say my journey has been greatly spiritual, emotional, and quite frankly, soulful. I don't feel like the same person anymore. I don't walk around the puddle--I don't try for perfection all the time, and I am enjoying the journey more now. I have realized that the JOURNEY is what really matters. Because in the end, we choose who we are. Before I was so wrapped up in not messing up, I never wanted to make any mistakes. But now...I don't know. I feel so loved by Him. I feel His presence everywhere and know that it doesn't matter if I make a mistake. My Maker is with me always; He loves me for who I am and not what I do or do not do. Hendrix has opened my eyes. To other people, to the world, to diverse viewpoints, to LIFE. God has had this whole plan for me. To think about it is so overwhelming..

Michelle made a great point when we were talking last night. We talked about what it took for us to both end up at Hendrix, living next door to each other on 3rd floor Veasey no less. God planned for us at every moment--from Michelle going to the college fair and discovering Hendrix, to me finally deciding to come play hockey at Hendrix and take a chance on Arkansas. Everything happens for a reason. THERE ARE NO COINCEDENCES. I think that has truly become apparent over the past few months. It has been so hard being away from home. So hard. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss my dog. I miss those freaking mountains! But..going to Hendrix was a lot like jumping in the puddle. I could have taken an easier route and stayed in CO. I could have done that. I would probably still be happy. But I came to Arkansas. I jumped in that puddle and I could not be happier. Goes to show that Grandma's always know what they are talking about. Always.

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. Proverbs 16:9 NIV

hope for the hopeless

My body lost every sense of feeling.

My heart started beating faster.

It sunk deeper and deeper.

In just a few short moments I thought my world was going to crash down.

After hearing the voicemail from my mom my instincts kicked in and I knew something was wrong. It was more than the instincts though; it was the quivering voice of my mom. The sobbing heard over a brief 10 second long message. Something had happened. I called back shaking.

Lance was in the hospital. The emergency room. He had been drinking, and evidently had way too much. That’s all I knew. I assumed the worst. I started having flashbacks. What had been the last thing I said to him? Did he know that I loved him? My friends quickly were by my side and I’m pretty sure I would have broken down right then and there if it wasn’t for them. I was scared. More scared than I have ever been, and as my breathing got heavier and heavier with every breath I knew I had to get out of there. We were in the middle of formal, at the Statehouse Convention Center in Little Rock and I felt stifled. I wanted to run. Run home and hold my brother and make everything right. More than anything, I wanted to tell him that I loved him. I did the next best thing—we prayed. Michelle prayed as my friends hung close to me. The words were like a song to me, speaking every emotion that I felt. As we walked out towards the car, I didn’t feel relieved. I didn’t stop worrying helplessly about Lance. However, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace. I was supposed to take Rachel home just outside Little Rock to Sherwood, and then take us back to Hendrix. As the hair on my arms rose from the frosty air of night and the emotion swirling inside of me, I felt okay. I felt that getting us back safely to school could be done. And I was going to do it.

It was the longest drive I have ever been on. Sure, it takes well over 13 hours to drive from Aurora to Conway, but this drive seemed longer. I was urgent to get back and call my parents. I wanted to know exactly what was happening with Lance, but I knew if I answered the phone on the way back, it could be bad news, and I might have a breakdown. I just kept driving. We didn’t say much in the car. Some songs came on the radio and I sang them. I sang them with everything I had because I thought if I sung the words hard enough I might wake up from this nightmare. Maybe it would all go away. My brother was in trouble and I couldn’t help him. It was eating at me.

Everything turned out okay. Relatively okay, anyway. Lance had too much to drink and got in trouble, and had to be taken away to the hospital. He will have to deal with the consequences, but all things considered everything is alright. I had to tell myself that over and over again today. I told myself that at Greenbriar this morning. Everything is going to be okay. Everything happens for a reason. God will bring us through this. I have never been so scared, but I also have never felt so grateful. God was with my brother. I believe that. He is always with us.

I got goosebumps a lot at Greenbriar this morning. My mind was on Jesus, and coming to His presence, but it was also on Lance. His face, his voice, it couldn’t escape me. As the goosebumps engulfed my body I can’t help but think Jesus was reminding that His love will sustain me. That despite how helpless I felt, I could still have hope. Because at the end of the day, Lance made it out unharmed. Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually he will struggle for awhile. But he is here. By the grace of God he is here. Amen, Hallelujah.

This isn’t the first problem my family has encountered. Ha, oh no. My family has been through a lot, and probably more than anyone on the outside could understand. My family is so far from perfect. So far. Not that I have ever wanted the perfect family. What would I learn from that? I love my family for exactly who we are. Exactly for the love we share, and exactly for the feeling I get when I am around them. We have never been normal though. The closest thing to normalcy may have been the summer days when I rode my bike around the neighborhood with Lance, and we squealed with delight when we got our chili cheese dogs from the barn store, along with a large slushie to finish off the meal. I remember those days like they are fresh in mind, like they just happened. That was about as normal as it ever got. It’s not that I didn’t have a wonderful childhood—I did—but we went through a lot as a family. I know my mom and dad loved each other for a long time, but I also remember when it started to fade. My mom was unhappy, my dad was unhappy, and the tension continued to build and build. My mom turned to anger, my dad turned to alcohol. They never put any of these things before their love for us, but in their attempts to escape their unhappiness, our family started to fall apart little by little. My brother and I began to fight and though we were once best friends, that seemed like a distant memory. The summer before my freshman year in high school it happened. They told us they were getting divorced. To be honest, I am surprised it didn’t happen earlier. I was upset. Still, I knew it was the right thing. People have tried to tell me that divorce is wrong. In a sense it is. It is wrong to have a family endure everything a divorce entails, but until you have gone through it, you don’t know how it feels. My parents needed a divorce. For the sake of my brother and I, and for the sake of their happiness, they needed a divorce.

5 years later I can’t help but be appreciative at everything that has happened since then. My relationships with both of my parents have been drastically improved and strengthened. Lance and I have grown closer again, and both of my parents are in happy marriages. Healthy marriages. I also found God. I mean, I really found God. I am lucky for everything to have turned out so well. I know that with some of my friends, divorce has been much uglier, and has resulted in them dealing with the negativity for years and years afterwards. It is apart of me, and will be apart of me for the rest of my life, but it was a blessing in disguise. Trust me.

We’ve had our problems. But God has always got us through them. He has always helped us in a time of need, and I have no doubt the same will be true with Lance. Because even though my family has had problems and was broken at one time, we are still tied together by our boundless love. I can list off the problems my family and I had to deal with throughout my 20 years of existence, but doing so would ignore the beauty, mystery, and love that my family has also experienced. We have seen astounding places in the world, they have supported me at every field hockey game, we have watched Denver Broncos games together, yelling until our voices were sore, we have laughed during family game nights, and we have shared our dreams. And of course, we always had (and still do) our interesting political debates. Even now, as a self-proclaimed democrat, who admires Obama like woah, the debates are still good. Actually, they are better. There’s nothing like hard-core Republicans criticizing the newly converted liberal.

This to will pass. Lance is going to be okay, and even though he may be hurting now, I am hoping this will be a wake up call for him. I am realizing just how important my family is to me. Despite the imperfections, the problems, and the silly drama every now and then, I realize that no family is perfect. That’s completely beside the point anyway. My family is about love, and no matter how hard it gets, I can’t ever forget that.

The best part about family? It keeps getting bigger. Not because of my extraordinarily large step and extended family, but because of the people that are entering my life. My friends are apart of my family, and to me, that is a beautiful thing. It just keeps getting better.

You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them. --
Desmond Tutu

photograph

It’s hard to look through photographs and not smile. It could be the awkward middle school days, of weird clothing, glasses, and braces. Or maybe it’s that picture with your dad, his strong and comforting arms waiting for your arrival down the slide at the park. Pictures evoke emotion, memories, and nostalgia. Often times, I have found this emotion to be unprecedented, like a tidal wave has overcome me with feelings I didn’t know I had.

Over break I went through lots and lots of pictures. I have always been a “picture person”, keeping pictures of everything all over my room. I decided it was time to clear through the mess and find the pictures that I really loved. There was one picture in particular that I found that I had never seen before. I remember the park pretty clearly in my mind, or at least I used to. From the beginnings of my preschool days I would have sworn to you that the park was called “Heather’s Park.” This was not in labor to sound conceded or stuck up, literally my daddy told me the park was named for me, and as silly as it seems now, I believed him. I believed him because I believe everything he says. He is my dad, and in some ways I have always had this unyielding adoration for him. In this picture, we are at “Heather’s Park” and if I close my eyes I can almost take myself back there. The sweet scent of grass after it has just been perfectly manicured, the scratchy and itchy feeling of the sand against my small bare feet, the chirping of the birds, chirping as though they are singing about the beauty of cool Colorado summers. I remember it all. My dad has his typical shorts and tee and a baseball cap on, as for myself, I was wearing one of many colorful flowery outfits that I loved as a child. I am coming down the slide. I’m guessing I was going pretty fast—I was a pretty adventurous child, and I can’t imagine myself not wanting to go down the slide at a ridiculous speed for a tiny 40 lb. child. I have a grin on my face—one of those grins where you can see everything, even the tiny gaps from missing teeth that the tooth fairy has already come to fetch. I am truly happy, and when I look at that picture I can’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of love from my dad. I went and showed him the photo after I found it and he chuckled to himself. “Those were the days,” he slowly remarked with a sly grin, “the days where you were even crazier than you are now.” I laughed and we embraced, and I couldn’t remember when I had ever loved my father more than in that moment.

Everything changes. This is a good thing. Without change, we could not grow, and without change, God could not work in our lives. Complacency is appropriate at times, but I think when it comes to living you can only be complacent to a point. It’s important to be satisfied for what you have, because God puts everything in our lives for a reason. But I think there is also a point where you recognize that things will not be the same forever, and you have to enjoy that moment for what it is, cherish it, and embrace the future. Photographs, I think sometimes bring me back to the past and I long for what once was. Yet, things cannot be the exact same as they were before. I want photographs to be representative of beautiful times in my life, and allow me to realize the great blessings I have had, but I don’t want them to be tools for me to avoid living in the now. I think sometimes when you are brought back to the past, you can scrape off the edges. Your past and memories can be remembered in a better light because the days and days and years and years slowly wipe away at the emotions you don’t want to remember. I cant tell you this first hand. I vaguely remember the tough times, and when I think of them, I quickly put them out of sight. I take out a photograph of my family that was once together and I try and remember what that was like. Before we were broken. Reflection is a wonderful thing. A needed thing. But, when I think back on the past I want it to be because I am embracing the future, not because I am living a life of regret for what did or did not happen. Everyone says it. Live for today. But words are just words until they are put into action.

I love photographs, that much is clear. Come to my dorm room and look at the 6 x 6 wall of photos I have hanging up. Come to both of my homes in Colorado and you will find pictures all over the house. Heck, go to my facebook and you’ll see that I have well over a 1,000 pictures online. I love photographs because there is something beautiful about snapping a memory. I love photographs because you can reminisce about the crazy times you once had, or look back and remember when you get to a point that remembering isn’t as easy as it once was.

Because when I look at the picture of my dad and I, I remember. I remember his arms catching me as I came down the slide, enveloping me into a great big bear hug, and his words ringing softly into my tiny ear, “I love you.” That is the beauty of photographs. Being able to tell a story of emotions that will never be forgotten. I love you. I love you. I love you. That is unforgettable.

spiritual autobiography: climbing the mountain of faith

I wrote a spiritual autobiography over a month ago. I deeply enjoyed writing it; it challenged me, and also allowed me to really see how God has been working in my life. It may not be best work to date, but I loved the experience. Dr. McDaniel simply said to write about our spiritual or religious experiences in our lives. This is what I came up with.

Climbing the Mountain of Faith

"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me’.” – Matthew 25:40

I grew up in a place where love was easy. There was the unrequited love from my dysfunctional, yet somehow perfect family, the adoring, unyielding love from my dog, and the “I love you no matter how weird you are” love from my friends. Yet, love in my life extended well beyond relationships. My whole existence, from the earliest moments of youth, to the rebellious days of being a teen, had one important continuity: my love for the outdoors. As a 10 year old wanting to prove my acquisition of independence, I would ride my bike down the shady sidewalks of suburbia and would feel the cool Colorado air against my face. I felt free. My countless trips to the Rocky Mountains helped me realize the passion for nature’s splendor that I have always had. The smell of mountain rivers and the serenity of small mountain towns has fascinated me since I was young. My brother and I would run unreservedly and barefoot along the river bank in Frisco, Colorado and I would glance up and become mesmerized by the magnificent mountain encompassed by the pure blue sky. I experienced moments of awe; I was in the presence of something much bigger than myself. Of course, there were the soccer fields too. I could never forget how my dad would yell for me, “the bulldog”, as I aggressively pushed through the swarms of girls trying to get to the ball. The grass stains were notorious in the Newell household; we loved “being one” with nature at every possible opportunity, even if it meant falling face first in the grass. All of this love made growing up so fun and meaningful. It is a major part of who I was as a child, who I am today, who I am becoming. Yet, it was not until the later stage of my crazy teen years that I actually came to form my own worldview. It was not until my teen years that I fell in love with Jesus Christ.
It seems weird looking back now. How could I have grown up with so much love in my life, and not realize how deeply love was intertwined into my existence? I only went to church on the important days, like Christmas and Easter, during the years when I was younger. Though I had the belief of a supreme being instilled in my mind, I had no idea what that meant. To me, Jesus and God seemed like very cool ideas. Like, about as cool as getting ice cream from the ice cream truck. It was all so hypothetical to me. Most of my religious experiences did not provide all of the roots that I would really need to grasp the idea of God.
This all changed my freshman year of high school. My family experienced a divorce, I had a minimal sense of identity, and became lost among the social norms of high school and teenhood. Soon after though, I found myself in the warm, hospitable presence of something divine and extraordinary. We started going to church regularly, and at the Christmas Eve midnight candlelight service my heart opened. I finally let God in. It wasn’t Him that had been missing my whole life; He had been there the whole time. Before, even with all the love surrounding me, I never felt apart of something so remarkable. I didn’t sense or feel God—God ruled from above, and to me, the separation was distinct. As I sang that night, I felt differently, and I knew that Jesus was my Savior. My whole existence—physical, emotional, spiritual, mental—was flooded with indescribable emotion. My notion of love amplified to the biggest degree imaginable; this was more than just the love of family, the love of nature, or even the love of others, this was the love of Jesus. For once, love could not be boxed in or defined, it was simply just there.
Once I became a believer, it wasn’t as though I transformed overnight. Believe it or not, I didn’t become a healer for the sick, I didn’t have further revelations of the good news, and I certainly didn’t behave any better. In fact, coming to understand what being a follower of Jesus entails has taken much longer. Slowly though, I did begin to develop perceptions of the world, and how I wanted to live my life. The most inspirational part of Christianity, to me, is how Jesus lived his life. He saw no social constructs; he saw no “other”. His ministry revolved around loving all people. I have found great inspiration from this because the Bible tells us, “Now there are diversities of gifts, but the same Spirit” (1 Corinthians 12:4). Through life experiences, I have found that my spiritual gifts are to serve and develop relationships with others. Specifically, I have found my calling in loving the less fortunate and building relationships with those who often times have been rejected from society. I feel strongly this calling exists because when I am with the homeless and the poor I sometimes struggle to find the right words to say. Somehow though, God provides and the words flow.
I remember having a conversation with a woman I met in Birmingham. I was with a group from Hendrix, and we were helping serve breakfast as apart of a church’s homeless ministry. She walked into the room with such radiance. Her smile was electrifying and she lit up the entire room. She sat down at a table to eat breakfast, and I felt compelled to join her. This woman, Rosalyn, spoke to me about her journey through life and conversely wanted to know mine. God was there in that moment. He blessed that conversation, and I think back on that experience as validation for what the rest of my life could look like. I feel like in these moments I am genuinely living from the center and experiencing a moment of what Buddhists might call karma yoga. By extending my heart outwards to those around me, I feel complete. The doing of selfless action helps me grow closer to not just that individual, but to God as well. By serving others I am inherently serving God. I feel that when I am in service, I am closest to sympathetically conforming to the mind of Christ.
One notion that I have come to experience through the grace of God is the mystery of his ubiquity. When I first started exploring my relationship with God, I thought I had God all figured out. Of course, in delving deeper into a spiritual communion with God, this could not be the furthest from the truth. I have come to acknowledge that God is infinite, while the world is finite. I cannot put the power or love of God into a few measly sentences. God is much bigger than we can even know. This has become the stepping stone to giving meaning to my worldview and life; because God is everywhere, everything is apart of Him. I recognize God in people, in things, in nature, and throughout the hustle and bustle of everyday life. This has allowed me to grow more intimately with Him because I know He is with me at all times, through the good and the bad. I trust that He has provided the people and situations in my life because He has a plan for me. It’s overwhelming, astounding, and filled with His loving hand of grace, and it makes me fall in love with Him all over again everyday. Because I can feel God in most anything, I have developed more of an inner peace. Little things do not bother me so much, and I can be myself. I am happier. I am kinder. I am more grateful. And even when life feels unbearable, I know He is with me every step of the way.
Wu wei, a Daoist term, oddly enough can describe a lot of how I feel in the presence of God. When I am praying, singing, or even just living in the moment, I feel an incredible burst of spontaneity. Not spontaneous in the sense where you might randomly go on a two- hour road trip, but in the sense that my self-desire falls away and I am just living—it is when I am genuinely, wholly me. When nothing is calculated, and I am just as I am. This past summer I made the decision to be baptized. I felt it was a necessary step for me in my journey of faith; I was ready to make an outward commitment to God. As the words of my proclamation flowed out of my mouth to the congregation looking on, my pastor unhurriedly dipped me in the water. It felt like the most natural thing in the entire world. Just me and God. I hold that moment dear to my heart because it was one of the most intimate moments I have ever had with God.
One of my favorite passages in the Bible is from Psalm 23: “the Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul.” I love that God restores my soul. I have felt renewal and restoration many times in my life. One point of restoration has come more recently, particularly in regards to my notion of Christianity. My perception of Christianity has always been apart of the exclusivist approach. I was under the impression that heaven was a glorious place reserved for Christians. For only Christians. I didn’t consider the value of other religions. I thought that my path in believing in God was the truth, the only truth. I began to be exposed to people different from me. People who lived life so beautifully and yet they weren’t Christians. Or maybe they were Christians but were considered “radical Christians”. Apparently you can be Christian and a Democrat. Or maybe they didn’t even profess a religion. Whatever they were, they were different. How could I reconcile this beauty with my belief that Christianity was the only way? God is bigger than Christianity. I began to question how my worldview actually fits in with the world, and this discovery has led me to believe that there are many paths up the steep mountain to God. Christianity cannot be the only way. God loves all of creation. Jesus is one way to the Father, I just happen to think that there are many ways. I love that Jesus is my way. I wouldn’t trade anything in the world for it.
I don’t have all the answers. After growing with God for the past six years I have not only recognized this, but have accepted this. Still, I believe I have begun to tap into the magnificence of faith. I have found that my faith is not only having faith in God and His love for the world, but also having faith in people. My grandma, Genevra Rose Newell, demonstrates to me what having faith in people is all about through how she lives her life. She treats everyone she meets with fierce compassion, and she would do anything for the people she loves. Every Wednesday when I was young, we would walk hand in hand around the park to feed the geese with wonderbread. It was a spiritual experience for her; she valued spending time with loved ones more than anything in the world, and being able to do this outside in nature brought the most heartwarming smile to her face. Her smile was like her heart being projected to the outside world, vulnerable and yet unwaveringly passionate. She would talk to me about anything and everything. I remember her telling me about life and all the great things I could encounter. She believed in me, and told me I could do anything as long as my heart was in the right place. I think she was talking about God. I think she wanted me to find Him. Now that I have, I am eager to grow in my relationship with God and discover and experience the plan He has for me. The journey has been long, rough, and difficult at times. But it is my life, and the glory of God always wins. He is taking me somewhere inconceivable, so really, the spiritual journey has just begun.

Yes We Can

I read something the other day from my devotional. It was about faith, and how having faith transcends the idea that life is a sequence of blessings that God gives us. It made me think; so often I feel that everything I have is a blessing from God. AND IT IS. But sometimes I think I find myself caught up in the notion that my relationship with God is a one way street. You know, God is so magnificent and beautiful because He gave me all of this. Because He gave me the relationships I have with people, because He gave me my amazing moments at Hendrix, because He gave me all of it. I can't tell you how filled my journal is with moments where I can feel God. Because I really can feel him everywhere. My point is though, that these moments happen because we have faith in Him. I can't lose sight of this. I can't rely on my life being a string of blessings that God has provided. It is so much more than that. My life is built on the faith I have in Him. Without that, I would be nothing. Without Him, I would be nowhere. It is with this faith in God that we have these blessings. I honestly believe that one of these blessings our country and this world has received is Barack Obama.

Last week was one of the most amazing weeks...well..ever. I have been around for some pretty important things in life. My generation has seen the election of two George Bushes, we have stood by for the tragedy of September 11th, we have seen the devastation of tsunamis and earthquakes worldwide, I have rooted the Broncos on to back-to-back superbowls, we have cringed as New Orleans residents were left standing on their houses after Hurricane Katrina, we have prayed as our troops have been deployed to Iraq after a seemingly endless war, but much of what we have experienced and grown up to witness pales in comparision to the election of Barack Obama. Not to say these events are subjugated under the election of Obama, but for the first time in my life I was involved in that. I, like many of my friends, helped elect this great man to the Presidential office.

BARACK THE VOTE.

OBAMA RAMA.

WE WILL BARACK YOU.

The Election Watch Party was fantastic. There was something special about sitting around with my friends cheering on Barack. Michelle and I danced for a good 15 minutes to some random techno music, and the moment the TV announced Barack as the projected winner for president I remember just sitting there flabbergasted. How could they know so soon? How could he win so quickly? Yet, after taking 4.3 seconds to realize it didn't matter, this man was the President-Elect of the United States the party began! The room was electrified with energy. It was amazing. I can't help but think what I would be thinking had this election happened a year ago. My, how things change. A year ago I would probably be devastated at Barack's win. I would have continued to be strangled by ideology that didn't even equate with the passions of my heart, and I would have continued on my close-minded path. I can't really pinpoint the time when everything changed for me politically. I do know that going on the Journeys of Reconciliation had a lot to do with. That wonderful trip taught me a lot, and I think it was during that trip somewhere down in the heart of Birmingham that I began to question what I thought was true. My whole life Republicanism was the way to be. If you have money and any sense of sanity voting red was your only option. Sure, there are things and issues that I would be considered conservative on: I am pro-life, for one. But there are bigger issues out there, and I believe Obama has the solution. It took me a long time for me to see it, but now I am so happy that I made an informed decision. Being home for the holidays will be interesting. Politics over dinner with a bunch of staunch Republicans? Goody. At least I will have things to say in return, after all, I voted for the man who actually won the election. I err on the side of most Americans, so ha.

Seriously though this election was a pivitol moment for our country and for our lifetime. Martin Luther King Jr. I have no doubt would be thrilled, and to see the first African American elected president is basically a dream come true. Finally. Finally. It's one of those things my grandchildren will be talking about. Our nation is changing. It's changing for the better. I feel overwhelmed to witness these historic events. To witness the changing of our reputation around the world. Barack Obama stands for something greater than we can even fathom; he has shown us that we can do anything. That might sound cheesy, but after 8 years of George Bush (God love him) we have someone who will bring about change.

"This is our chance to answer that call. This is our moment. This is our time - to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American Dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth - that out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope, and where we are met with cynicism, and doubt, and those who tell us that we can't, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people:
Yes We Can. Thank you, God bless you, and may God Bless the United States of America."

True Inner Strength

Donald Miller is just fantastic. Oh yeah. He really knows what he is talking about.

"And so I have come to understand that strength, inner strength, comes from receiving love as much as it comes from giving it. I think apart from the idea that I am a sinner and God forgives me, this is the greatest lesson I have ever learned. When you get it, it changes you."

He is so right. It does change you. For the better, of course. God loves me. God loves me. That never gets old.

My relationship with God lately has been..I can't really explain it. I read the Bible when I can. I pray as much as possible. I want to continue to grow spiritually. Honestly, I really do. In fact, I could really use it right now. School is so so hard right now. Between classes, field hockey, clubs, etc I need Him now more than ever. I just need a little more "umph". I am sincere when I talk with Him, but lately it has been more of a reeling off a list of names or situations that need some direction. I am a believer that everything, everything, I do is done with God right there with me. Without believing in that, I don't know how I would get through the nitty gritty of life, the hard times, the mundane times, the iffy times, the good times, everything. He is there all the time. So, I know that Him being there is not the problem. That never is. And I know how much He loves me. That much is apparent. He has given me so many wonderful things. He has given me the big things like a family, great friends, education, shelter, and more. But more so, he has given me the little things too; a beautiful sunset, a nice conversation with a cafeteria lady, laughter, and more. Without these things where would I be? So, I know He loves me. I know He is there. So what is the problem?

I guess I can turn to Donald Miller again. From the great work, Blue Like Jazz:

"It is always the simple things that change our lives. And these things never happen when you are looking for them to happen. Life will reveal answers at the pace life wishes to do so. You feel like running, but life is on a stroll. This is how God does things."

This sounds more like it. I feel like I understand this. I do feel like running. I feel like tackling everything in my life. Maybe I need to slow down. Yes. Maybe life is on a stroll right now, and that to really accept the love God has for me I just need to take slower steps and look around. I need to realize and accept that God has a plan for me. He isn't going to leave me out in the dust to fend for myself. He is there and He is just waiting for me to see Him once again and to feel His love all over again. :)

I wouldn't say I am in a spiritual crisis. Oh no, not at all. That could imply that I am questioning Him. And while there is a time and a place for questioning, I am not there at this moment. I am just a girl, a 19 year old girl, who loves God more than anything and yet I feel caught up in the ickiness of the world. I want to let it all go. Because I know when I am walking around campus and I can see the beauty of this world, both in human interaction and in nature, that is not justwonderful observations. That is God. He is glorious. And I need to let go of all of the stuff that doesn't even matter. That is going to be my goal for the next week. Relenquish everything. Because really, when I can continue to grow in my relationship with Him, everything else will fall into place. It always does. And, it always will.

Warrior

Our hug lasted longer than what I could comprehend in time. As I looked into her eyes, I smiled and gave her a reassuring glance. Tears kept falling from her eyes. The sobbing started to make her body shake and again I took her hand and gave her another warm hug. As I took a few steps back into Marshie, my small, old, white car, I looked at her one more time. She took her suitcase and slowly entered the airport. My mom was leaving me at college again. It seemed harder for her. Like she was scared. And then she sent me at text a mere 5 minutes later. "I miss you already! Good luck with everything and I love you so much!!" I then smiled and continued to drive faster to Conway. As hard as it was to say goodbye to home, to friends, to family, I held the tears back almost everytime. Not just because I was excited for school to start again. But because I know Hendrix is exactly where I belong right now. God wants me here. I can't doubt that.

I have been back at this beautiful place for almost a week! What a whirlwind week it has been. It has been filled with unloading musty trash bags from storage, from numerous trips to Target, and with lots of reunions with more and more to come. Ali and my room is pretty much all put together. Already I am calling it home. It just feels so right. Field hockey has pretty much been my life since I have been here. Hours and hours of practice have filled my days but for the first time in a long time I am confident with not just the team, but with myself. I have a knack for putting an unneccesary amount of pressure on myself to perform. I have been praying about it and I think that each practice I am learning more and more what playing on a team really means and what being a team leader takes. I can't really describe it, but in the past week I have learnt more about my role on the team than ever before. It's been an overwhelming and largely enjoyable experience so far.

Being on a team is strange and exilarahting because never again is it quite the same. You always have different people, different situations, and different dynamics. I think in a way I have always taken the best parts of all of the teams I have been on and have tried to find them in teams that I am on later in life. My dad used to be my soccer coach for a couple years and those bring back some of my favorite memories of being on a team. From our dairy queen team banquets, to being the "little bulldog" I savor some of those times. And then of course, I can never forget about Grandview field hockey. I was talking about high school hockey with some old buddies this summer and we came to the conclusion that playing field hockey was one of the best experiences we had in high school. I met some of my best friends on the field hockey team, I discovered something I am very passionate about, and I quite honestly had the chance to grow as a person. Playing hockey for Grandview provided a way for me to learn more about myself and to discover my passions in life. I came to see how much I love people and how much I love interacting. To this day I believe that field hockey was what brought me out of my shell. It took me from that quiet, shy, unsure girl into the loud, crazy, confident woman I have become. And then as it always goes, teams come and go. My time at Grandview came to an end, and I thought my time on field hockey teams was over. I didn't think there would be another chance for me to play hockey.

And then Hendrix came along.

Oh, Hendrix. After taking a chance on the small, weird school, in the middle of Arkansas I am now playing on a team that I am incredibly proud to be apart of. Last year, our first year, was tough. Tougher than I might have even let on. I tried to be the best leader I could be, but in lots of ways I know I could have done better. Our team struggled on the field. Everyone saw that. But we struggled off the field as well. Yet, in the past week I can feel that things have changed. That Hendrix field hockey has come over that hurdle and we are growing into something bigger, something better. Again, I am not expecting to find the same experiences and same emotions as I did in high school. I can't do that. I will be let down if I do. On the flip side, I know I can find something more. Something bigger than I can even imagine. God has something in store. He always does. I am not going to desperatley try and find it. I am going to soak this all in. I am going to soak EVERYTHING in. I am going to let every practice, every moment, every bus ride, every game, every play count for something. I am going to work as hard as I can, give everything I got, because God gave me this chance to play the sport I love. Not everyone gets to always do that..I am so blessed. I am excited to see where this season goes. I am excited for Hendrix field hockey, Hendrix College, and for sophomore year. I won't be forgetting to praise Him as every moment unfolds. How could I? This is all God's glory. The beautiful friends I have that have already taught me so much, the opportunities at my fingertips, and the joy of being alive. This is all just a tiny piece of His extraordinary plan. Glory.

Embracing the human spirit

The world in which we are born is just one model of reality. Other cultures are
not failed attempts at being you. They are unique manifestations of the human
spirit.

This is a quote that is sitting in my supervisor's office at The Gathering Place. I fell in love with it the minute I read it. Partly because I think it says so much in so few words. And also partly because I am experiencing this to a certain degree. No, I am not experiencing other cultures in the sense I am immersed in somewhere half way around the world, but I am building relationships with women and children who do have a different model of reality. Their idea of reality does not take origin in the cookie cutter houses of suburbia, the overflow of money to buy nice cars, or expensive vacations every year to exotic locations. Oh no. Quite the contrary. The people that I have met at The Gathering Place each experience their own culture. It could be the beautiful, elderly grandmother raising her her grandchildren because they have nowhere else to turn, it could be the young girl who calls living in a cramped, hot room at a shelter home, and it could be the woman roaming the streets not only searching for sustenance to surivive..but of her own self-existence. Many of the women and children have a deeper dilemma than their inability to afford rent or food; they have no idea who they are. They are searching for their human spirit. Something they can relish in. Something they can nurture and watch grow. It is a unique experience to watch along side as they grow. I have found myself biting my tongue right before I give my 2 cents. Right before I, a 19 year old who is the LAST person to offer advice, suggest what these women should do to take their next step. I have quickly stopped myself knowing that I would be totally out of line. This is their journey..I am only their to offer my love and support. I am not there to dictate on others should live.

Unique manifestations of the human spirit. Hmm. Makes you think right? As I have spent the last 3 months with children and women and watching them grow, my heart has been transformed. It has been such a God thing to have these children in my life. 2 weeks ago it happened (again). A little girl, Betty, stole my heart. Her smile is quite possibly the most beautiful smile I have ever seen and her heart..oh my. I can SEE God in her. I CAN FEEL IT. Over the last few days we have spent together we have played games, read books, and I have been trying to teach her how to read numbers. To watch her engage in such learning has been overwhelming. She exerts this spirit that is undescribable. Let me reiterate this. SHE IS 5. And the way she looks at me, the way she laughs, and the way she talks is unmistakable. She has the Spirit inside of her. I can' really even describe it in words. I connected with her in a way that I have never connected with anyone else. And she is 5. Kids say the darndest things ;)

This summer is coming to an end rather quickly. I, as usual, am a bundle of mixed emotions. How excited am I to go back to glorious Hendrix College?!?! I am stoked. Yet, there will never be summer like this again. That is soo obvious..but think about it. Michelle said it perfectly the other day. There are seasons of change to everything, and the status of many of my relationships will not be the same in a year from now. I am fine with this. Really. But next summer..most of my friends in CO will be..grown up. At least in the sense that they will haev their own apartments and all that jazz. Maybe even I can do some growing up! Tehee. How can I even put this summer into words? Amazing? Awesome? Nope. Doesn't do it justice. I couldn't even imagine this summer without my friends, my experiences, and my family.

Audra. This girl unquestionably is my partner in crime, my best friend, my rock. She knows what I am going to say before the words are even out, she laughs at my jokes, and she puts up with me in public. We have been through a lot. Yet, we are stronger than ever. Her passions inspire me. Her heart makes me look inward and see whats inside. She has such a presence in my mind and my life that her tagging along to family functions is fully expected. She thinks with her heart but also has a very innate sense of logic. She will go on adventures with, sing with me, veg out with me, eat with me..anything. She is there. I love her and admire her to the nth degree.

Hardy. Jessica and I are completely in sync. She gets me. I get her. She has a passionate yet easy going attitude with life. She lives every moment for that moment. She is one of those people that is truly ALIVE. The muck does not wear her down; she finds God's grace in everything. It's amazing. She is also hysterical and I think if I actually ate somewhat healthy and had abs..she would be the reason why. Our times coaching together will be cherished by me because it was THAT fun. I know our friendship has just begun to blossom.

The family. Adjusting to being back home was a journey. Quite the climb up a mountain, if you will. Yet it was WELL worth it. My mom and I have a deeply rooted trust and understanding. At the core, we are very similar. Steamboat Springs brought us closer together and as we finished our 10 mile hike, I couldn't have been prouder of her. My dad and I are quite the opposite. What do we have in common? We are both weird. And that keeps us laughing. My time in Mexico with Lance and my dad created a lifetime of memories for us. I am so blessed to have that. Lance. What else can I say? He above anyone puts up with me. Good and bad. He encourages me to get through anything. He makes fun of me..but at the end of the day I could make fun of him for the exact same things. He is more sensitive than anyone would ever guess and I love him dearly.

Yet, as I temporarily say goodbye again to my beloved Colorado I can once again say hello to ARKANSAS. I can get excited as I feel that 110 degree heat hitting my face on the field hockey field, I can officially embrace being a G-WAY girl for the first time (VZ was SO last year, duh), I can work on catching a southern accent, and best of all? I GET TO SEE MY FRIENDS AGAIN!!! My darling Michelle, Rachel, Ali, Jorgy, Ruanda, Lexy, Katie, the hockey team, and everyone else. Finally. I can't wait to cause mayhem again. I really don't care that I will be a sophomore in college. It's Hendrix College. Hello? Being weird is not only perfectly acceptable but totally expected. Teehee. I have missed them more than they will know. What does God have in store for me this year? Ha. Couldn't tell you. But I sure can't wait to find out. I will be a busy little bee with school, work, hockey, being a EPA, VAC, Stumo, and all my other activities but that is just fine. In between the rebellious activities with Michelle (music videos in mills anyone?) and school and everything else I can continue to grow in my walk with God. I can continue to build on that love and make it stronger. Ohhh baby!

Life, as I know it, is only getting better with each day.

Mexico

7 days.

7 perfect, wonderful days.

I just got back from Mexico less than a week ago and I still can't take the smile of my face. What's more is that I still have my rockin tan. Teehee. I can still feel the insurmontable heat on my skin, the sound of the waves crashing along the shore, and the taste of insatiable strawberry daquiris (ahem, virgin of course). My dad, Lance and I had blast on our trip and really, it was exactly what we all needed. I have been having a busy summer filled with work, internship, friends, coaching, and exercising. It's been a blast. Truly. But I needed time to leave it all behind for just a little while and relax. My dad and Lance have been doing much of the same things: working and keeping busy. We knew that this vacation could not have come at a more opportune time and I truly believe that the trip brought us all closer together.

We spent the first day of our trip pretty much traveling. We had to get to the Denver airport relatively early to make our connecting flight to Dallas. Once we got into Dallas we had to wait for quite some time...our plane was delayed for mechanical reasons. Yet, once we got on the plane to head towards Cancun we were PUMPED. Lance and I had a hard time staying still the whole way there, and my dad had to tell us to be quiet more than once. Ha, just like old times. We finally made it to Cancun around 10:00. The first thing I did? Well of course..I had to check out the ocean! The water was so warm, so beautiful. It was different from the other times I have been to Mexico. In Puerta Vallarta the water was a rich, navy blue. In Cabo San Lucas the water was much colder. I smile as I recall Audra and I sitting on the beach with those boys from Wyoming late at night...hahaha...but that is another story, another time. Anyway, the water in Cancun was TURQUOISE. A deep mix of light blues, topaz, and more. Stepping into it was refreshing; it was so welcoming and so warm. It was unlike anything I have experienced.

We spent the first day lounging around the pool and the ocean. My dad surprised me. He is quiet around some people. In fact, unless he is around family and familiar people he tends to be quiet. Oh no. Not here. My dad literally was friends with everyone in the hotel by day 2. The waiters knew his drink order, and he somehow managed to become Mr. Popular. Me, on the other hand made friends with the ocean. I read Twilight in 2 days and just listened to my IPOD under the cabanna. LIFE WAS GOOD.

Our first big adventure came on 4th of July! My it was strange not being in the USA for the 4th. Especially since it is one of my favorite holidays! The hotel put up a couple decorations here and there, and some local clubs were having Independence Day bashes..but otherwise it was just another normal day in Mexico. We decided to go snorkeling. We left Cancun and went to a marina just outside the city. It was beautiful. The captains of the boat led us on board and we were headed out to sea! When we finally got to jump into the water I was just so..exhilarated. I saw SO many fish. More than that, Lance and I got to feed the fish. We were practically swimming with them! AHHH it was so exciting. After that we all participated in what was dubbed "The Spiniker." It is like parasailing, but more like a swing in the air. Lance bellyflopped in, I swung like a monkey, and my dad yelled "I have no control of my life!!" I think everyone thought we were the freaks on the boat, but hey, what's new.

After we got back from snorkeling we got a little dose of the real Cancun. The Cancun outside the Hotel Zone, the Cancun outside tourism. We went to the heart of the city on a city bus. My dad gave the bus driver a few pesos and we stepped on. Immediately, I felt out of place. As I looked at the faces of the people on the bus, looking back was a group full of curious locals. It appeared as though many were just getting off work and heading back to their homes. They seemed to wonder what these Americans could possibly be doing on a city bus, and I couldn't help but smile when my dad started talking to one of them. It is amazing how nothing ceases him from embracing strangers. It is a gift. We drove for close to an hour; at one point we thought we had gotten on the wrong bus and weren't even going to get back to our hotel. But that became minute when we passed homes built out of sticks, beggars running through the streets, and dogs running on the sidewalks with tumors bulging out of their poor, tender skin. It was a whole other world...and only about 10 minutes from our hotel. We didn't say anything to eachother as we passed through the poverty-stricken streets. All I could really think about was how selfish I felt for being on vacation. I felt as if I was strutting how luxurious or rich I looked to be...I felt like was so absorbed in being on vacation that I forgot to think what it was like for the locals. For tourists to constantly be in their homeland, swarming the beaches like cattle. Okay, that might be a little exaggerated, but I just felt helpless. All I could do was look and wonder how they managed to get by with so little. God is in control. I had to repeat that to myself on the way back to the hotel. Over and over again.

The next day was a day that any adventurer would live for. We went to Tulum which is a site for ancient Mayan ruins. One word. COOL. It was thrilling to be on the old stomping grounds for the Mayans and to hear about their culture and ways of living. As a history buff, I was fascinated and wanted to hear more and more about the Mayans. Our next big adventure occured the next day and it was by far the highlight of the trip for my dad: deep sea fishing. We got on a fishing boat with another family from Nebraska and we went miles and miles out into the middle of the Carribbean Sea. As I looked down, I remember being able to clearly see the tranquilty of the fish as they moved through the coral, and occassionally seeing a big baracuda ready to invade and eat some dinner. Dad ended up catching a sailfish (like a marlin) while Lance and I both got baracudas. The feeling of reeling in a big fish was new and exciting; the biggest fish I recall ever catching was a salmon in the cold, rushing rivers of Colorado. Needless to say, we pulled back into the pier a happy bunch.

The rest of the trip was spent around the hotel and around the ocean. At one point my dad and I tried to find a bookstore in the middle of downtown Cancun. Two taxis, a bus, and three blocks of walking later we came upon a mall and finally found the bookstore. OF COURSE there was a small English section. With about 4 different selections for English readers. Bugger! I had been looking for the sequel to Twilight but even though it was a failed mission it was quite interesting. I spent a lot of my time by the ocean just taking it all in. I felt so small in the midst of the millions of grains of sand and of the powerful ocean. It is utterly breathtaking to know that God created all of the beauty on this earth. As I dug my feet further and further into the sand I spent time thinking about what God has done in my life, what I have been through, the relationships I have built, my dreams, and what I truly love. That I think was the best part of this vacation. I had time to reflect. I had the freedom to take it all in. Not only this, but I had thoughtful conversations with both my dad and Lance. We spent hours every night at dinner laughing and gazing into the ocean. I am so blessed to have had this experience..especially with those two. After 7 glorious days I have a new appreciation for my life, for Lance, for my dad, and for all the blessings that God has given me. Mexico was pretty much baller.

As the plane headed BACK to Dallas lifted off and I had a chance to look down and see the landscape of the Yucatan Peninsula I smiled. I smiled not just because of the great memories I made and not just because of the good food I consumed, but because I grew closer to my family and grew closer with God.

Glimpses of Change

I watched the Bucket List the other day. Okay, that is a lie; I watched it twice in two days. I watched it late one Saturday night after getting home from Audra's house. On my laptop, alone in my room. Naturally, I liked the movie and again watched it the next day. After a whirlwind day of getting baptized, brunch with my family, and golf with my dad, it felt like the perfect thing to watch. It truly is a wonderful movie, and there is one idea, one quote that is continually sticking out in my mind:

You measure yourself by the people who measure themselves by you.

The face that Morgan Freeman said this made it sound even more awe-inspiring and omniscient, but disecting this statement down to the bear bones it utterly sensational. It's moving and it is downright powerful. I have had this problem in previous years of measuring myself by things. My accomplishments, my qualities..the list goes on. It wasn't until that my spiritual growth was kicked into high gear that I realized that living for myself doesn't work. Living to achieve great milestones in life doesn't work. The only thing I can really do is to live for Him. I am of course, speaking of the glorious God, the Alpha and the Omega, the Maker. I didn't know what that meant a few years ago. Heck, about 5 years ago I didn't know the heck God even was! Yet, as long as my life is inwardly and outwardly dedicated to Him I can make a difference in other lives for the better. People can be changed from other people in a holy and spiritual way--my friends, it is called the Holy Spirit. I don't have to meddle in people's problems. I don't have to worry sick about what direction there life is going in. I can give THAT to God, and can show them love through the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit gives me the right words, brings me to the right places, and acts through me on God's behalf. Holy moly that is incredible.

I want to make my own Bucket List. What would I put on it though? I have been blessed with so much already, but I know there is SO much more for me to see and experience. I can think of a few things:

1) Go skydiving. Cliche? Yes. But hello, it looks utterly fantastic.

2) Have traveled to every state in America.

3) Go on a Safari.

4) See Israel!!!

5) Swim underneath a waterfall.

6) Be a mother.

7) Fall in love.

Those are only glimpses in what I want to experience with life. Glimpses, I tell you.

Like I said, before I watched the movie I was baptized. I tried putting into words what that experience was like in my journal, but you would have to see the smile streched across my face. You would have to feel the glow in my heart, and understand the passion I feel for the almighty God. I can't describe it. But, I will say that getting baptized at all of 19 years old was hands down was incredible. As I gazed upon the congregation and shared my story of coming to Christ I looked up at my Pastor with anxious eyes. He took my hand and slowly, but majestically dipped me into the water. In a matter of seconds I was soaked and above water again, but for that milisecond, for that brief glimpse everything was perfect. I felt that strong and comforting hands of God upon me. I felt so..liberated. So free. It wasn't as if the water provided salvation. Oh no. I got baptized because I wanted to outwardly express an inner devotion. I am resolutley, completely devoted to God. I wanted to live for HIM. And I knew that to continue to grow and discover on my journey with God, I would need to wash away the old me. The old desires. The old tendencies. Everything. It's like a Super Walmart sale--"Everything Must Go!". Ha, but seriously. In order for me to unquestionably embrace the beauty of God, by his grace, I had to let go of everything holding me back. Now, it is gone. I have changed. Like I was when I first accepted Christ, I am becoming new. After all, Revelation 21:5 says, "Behold, I make all things new." Everyday, every fleeting moment I am growing more and more with my relationship with God. GLORY.

Fittingly, today I had one of the best days this summer. It wasn't that it was filled with events or monumental occurences. Honestly, it was just pure bliss. To be in His presence, and know this, and to carry it everywhere with me was so humbling. From holding little kids at the Gathering Place, to coaching moody yet hilarious teen girls field hockey, to doing silly workouts at the gym and laughing hysterically with Hardy---it was all so joyous. I have laughed so much today. There is so much peace in my heart. Thank you God. Thank you.