True Inner Strength

Donald Miller is just fantastic. Oh yeah. He really knows what he is talking about.

"And so I have come to understand that strength, inner strength, comes from receiving love as much as it comes from giving it. I think apart from the idea that I am a sinner and God forgives me, this is the greatest lesson I have ever learned. When you get it, it changes you."

He is so right. It does change you. For the better, of course. God loves me. God loves me. That never gets old.

My relationship with God lately has been..I can't really explain it. I read the Bible when I can. I pray as much as possible. I want to continue to grow spiritually. Honestly, I really do. In fact, I could really use it right now. School is so so hard right now. Between classes, field hockey, clubs, etc I need Him now more than ever. I just need a little more "umph". I am sincere when I talk with Him, but lately it has been more of a reeling off a list of names or situations that need some direction. I am a believer that everything, everything, I do is done with God right there with me. Without believing in that, I don't know how I would get through the nitty gritty of life, the hard times, the mundane times, the iffy times, the good times, everything. He is there all the time. So, I know that Him being there is not the problem. That never is. And I know how much He loves me. That much is apparent. He has given me so many wonderful things. He has given me the big things like a family, great friends, education, shelter, and more. But more so, he has given me the little things too; a beautiful sunset, a nice conversation with a cafeteria lady, laughter, and more. Without these things where would I be? So, I know He loves me. I know He is there. So what is the problem?

I guess I can turn to Donald Miller again. From the great work, Blue Like Jazz:

"It is always the simple things that change our lives. And these things never happen when you are looking for them to happen. Life will reveal answers at the pace life wishes to do so. You feel like running, but life is on a stroll. This is how God does things."

This sounds more like it. I feel like I understand this. I do feel like running. I feel like tackling everything in my life. Maybe I need to slow down. Yes. Maybe life is on a stroll right now, and that to really accept the love God has for me I just need to take slower steps and look around. I need to realize and accept that God has a plan for me. He isn't going to leave me out in the dust to fend for myself. He is there and He is just waiting for me to see Him once again and to feel His love all over again. :)

I wouldn't say I am in a spiritual crisis. Oh no, not at all. That could imply that I am questioning Him. And while there is a time and a place for questioning, I am not there at this moment. I am just a girl, a 19 year old girl, who loves God more than anything and yet I feel caught up in the ickiness of the world. I want to let it all go. Because I know when I am walking around campus and I can see the beauty of this world, both in human interaction and in nature, that is not justwonderful observations. That is God. He is glorious. And I need to let go of all of the stuff that doesn't even matter. That is going to be my goal for the next week. Relenquish everything. Because really, when I can continue to grow in my relationship with Him, everything else will fall into place. It always does. And, it always will.

Warrior

Our hug lasted longer than what I could comprehend in time. As I looked into her eyes, I smiled and gave her a reassuring glance. Tears kept falling from her eyes. The sobbing started to make her body shake and again I took her hand and gave her another warm hug. As I took a few steps back into Marshie, my small, old, white car, I looked at her one more time. She took her suitcase and slowly entered the airport. My mom was leaving me at college again. It seemed harder for her. Like she was scared. And then she sent me at text a mere 5 minutes later. "I miss you already! Good luck with everything and I love you so much!!" I then smiled and continued to drive faster to Conway. As hard as it was to say goodbye to home, to friends, to family, I held the tears back almost everytime. Not just because I was excited for school to start again. But because I know Hendrix is exactly where I belong right now. God wants me here. I can't doubt that.

I have been back at this beautiful place for almost a week! What a whirlwind week it has been. It has been filled with unloading musty trash bags from storage, from numerous trips to Target, and with lots of reunions with more and more to come. Ali and my room is pretty much all put together. Already I am calling it home. It just feels so right. Field hockey has pretty much been my life since I have been here. Hours and hours of practice have filled my days but for the first time in a long time I am confident with not just the team, but with myself. I have a knack for putting an unneccesary amount of pressure on myself to perform. I have been praying about it and I think that each practice I am learning more and more what playing on a team really means and what being a team leader takes. I can't really describe it, but in the past week I have learnt more about my role on the team than ever before. It's been an overwhelming and largely enjoyable experience so far.

Being on a team is strange and exilarahting because never again is it quite the same. You always have different people, different situations, and different dynamics. I think in a way I have always taken the best parts of all of the teams I have been on and have tried to find them in teams that I am on later in life. My dad used to be my soccer coach for a couple years and those bring back some of my favorite memories of being on a team. From our dairy queen team banquets, to being the "little bulldog" I savor some of those times. And then of course, I can never forget about Grandview field hockey. I was talking about high school hockey with some old buddies this summer and we came to the conclusion that playing field hockey was one of the best experiences we had in high school. I met some of my best friends on the field hockey team, I discovered something I am very passionate about, and I quite honestly had the chance to grow as a person. Playing hockey for Grandview provided a way for me to learn more about myself and to discover my passions in life. I came to see how much I love people and how much I love interacting. To this day I believe that field hockey was what brought me out of my shell. It took me from that quiet, shy, unsure girl into the loud, crazy, confident woman I have become. And then as it always goes, teams come and go. My time at Grandview came to an end, and I thought my time on field hockey teams was over. I didn't think there would be another chance for me to play hockey.

And then Hendrix came along.

Oh, Hendrix. After taking a chance on the small, weird school, in the middle of Arkansas I am now playing on a team that I am incredibly proud to be apart of. Last year, our first year, was tough. Tougher than I might have even let on. I tried to be the best leader I could be, but in lots of ways I know I could have done better. Our team struggled on the field. Everyone saw that. But we struggled off the field as well. Yet, in the past week I can feel that things have changed. That Hendrix field hockey has come over that hurdle and we are growing into something bigger, something better. Again, I am not expecting to find the same experiences and same emotions as I did in high school. I can't do that. I will be let down if I do. On the flip side, I know I can find something more. Something bigger than I can even imagine. God has something in store. He always does. I am not going to desperatley try and find it. I am going to soak this all in. I am going to soak EVERYTHING in. I am going to let every practice, every moment, every bus ride, every game, every play count for something. I am going to work as hard as I can, give everything I got, because God gave me this chance to play the sport I love. Not everyone gets to always do that..I am so blessed. I am excited to see where this season goes. I am excited for Hendrix field hockey, Hendrix College, and for sophomore year. I won't be forgetting to praise Him as every moment unfolds. How could I? This is all God's glory. The beautiful friends I have that have already taught me so much, the opportunities at my fingertips, and the joy of being alive. This is all just a tiny piece of His extraordinary plan. Glory.

Embracing the human spirit

The world in which we are born is just one model of reality. Other cultures are
not failed attempts at being you. They are unique manifestations of the human
spirit.

This is a quote that is sitting in my supervisor's office at The Gathering Place. I fell in love with it the minute I read it. Partly because I think it says so much in so few words. And also partly because I am experiencing this to a certain degree. No, I am not experiencing other cultures in the sense I am immersed in somewhere half way around the world, but I am building relationships with women and children who do have a different model of reality. Their idea of reality does not take origin in the cookie cutter houses of suburbia, the overflow of money to buy nice cars, or expensive vacations every year to exotic locations. Oh no. Quite the contrary. The people that I have met at The Gathering Place each experience their own culture. It could be the beautiful, elderly grandmother raising her her grandchildren because they have nowhere else to turn, it could be the young girl who calls living in a cramped, hot room at a shelter home, and it could be the woman roaming the streets not only searching for sustenance to surivive..but of her own self-existence. Many of the women and children have a deeper dilemma than their inability to afford rent or food; they have no idea who they are. They are searching for their human spirit. Something they can relish in. Something they can nurture and watch grow. It is a unique experience to watch along side as they grow. I have found myself biting my tongue right before I give my 2 cents. Right before I, a 19 year old who is the LAST person to offer advice, suggest what these women should do to take their next step. I have quickly stopped myself knowing that I would be totally out of line. This is their journey..I am only their to offer my love and support. I am not there to dictate on others should live.

Unique manifestations of the human spirit. Hmm. Makes you think right? As I have spent the last 3 months with children and women and watching them grow, my heart has been transformed. It has been such a God thing to have these children in my life. 2 weeks ago it happened (again). A little girl, Betty, stole my heart. Her smile is quite possibly the most beautiful smile I have ever seen and her heart..oh my. I can SEE God in her. I CAN FEEL IT. Over the last few days we have spent together we have played games, read books, and I have been trying to teach her how to read numbers. To watch her engage in such learning has been overwhelming. She exerts this spirit that is undescribable. Let me reiterate this. SHE IS 5. And the way she looks at me, the way she laughs, and the way she talks is unmistakable. She has the Spirit inside of her. I can' really even describe it in words. I connected with her in a way that I have never connected with anyone else. And she is 5. Kids say the darndest things ;)

This summer is coming to an end rather quickly. I, as usual, am a bundle of mixed emotions. How excited am I to go back to glorious Hendrix College?!?! I am stoked. Yet, there will never be summer like this again. That is soo obvious..but think about it. Michelle said it perfectly the other day. There are seasons of change to everything, and the status of many of my relationships will not be the same in a year from now. I am fine with this. Really. But next summer..most of my friends in CO will be..grown up. At least in the sense that they will haev their own apartments and all that jazz. Maybe even I can do some growing up! Tehee. How can I even put this summer into words? Amazing? Awesome? Nope. Doesn't do it justice. I couldn't even imagine this summer without my friends, my experiences, and my family.

Audra. This girl unquestionably is my partner in crime, my best friend, my rock. She knows what I am going to say before the words are even out, she laughs at my jokes, and she puts up with me in public. We have been through a lot. Yet, we are stronger than ever. Her passions inspire me. Her heart makes me look inward and see whats inside. She has such a presence in my mind and my life that her tagging along to family functions is fully expected. She thinks with her heart but also has a very innate sense of logic. She will go on adventures with, sing with me, veg out with me, eat with me..anything. She is there. I love her and admire her to the nth degree.

Hardy. Jessica and I are completely in sync. She gets me. I get her. She has a passionate yet easy going attitude with life. She lives every moment for that moment. She is one of those people that is truly ALIVE. The muck does not wear her down; she finds God's grace in everything. It's amazing. She is also hysterical and I think if I actually ate somewhat healthy and had abs..she would be the reason why. Our times coaching together will be cherished by me because it was THAT fun. I know our friendship has just begun to blossom.

The family. Adjusting to being back home was a journey. Quite the climb up a mountain, if you will. Yet it was WELL worth it. My mom and I have a deeply rooted trust and understanding. At the core, we are very similar. Steamboat Springs brought us closer together and as we finished our 10 mile hike, I couldn't have been prouder of her. My dad and I are quite the opposite. What do we have in common? We are both weird. And that keeps us laughing. My time in Mexico with Lance and my dad created a lifetime of memories for us. I am so blessed to have that. Lance. What else can I say? He above anyone puts up with me. Good and bad. He encourages me to get through anything. He makes fun of me..but at the end of the day I could make fun of him for the exact same things. He is more sensitive than anyone would ever guess and I love him dearly.

Yet, as I temporarily say goodbye again to my beloved Colorado I can once again say hello to ARKANSAS. I can get excited as I feel that 110 degree heat hitting my face on the field hockey field, I can officially embrace being a G-WAY girl for the first time (VZ was SO last year, duh), I can work on catching a southern accent, and best of all? I GET TO SEE MY FRIENDS AGAIN!!! My darling Michelle, Rachel, Ali, Jorgy, Ruanda, Lexy, Katie, the hockey team, and everyone else. Finally. I can't wait to cause mayhem again. I really don't care that I will be a sophomore in college. It's Hendrix College. Hello? Being weird is not only perfectly acceptable but totally expected. Teehee. I have missed them more than they will know. What does God have in store for me this year? Ha. Couldn't tell you. But I sure can't wait to find out. I will be a busy little bee with school, work, hockey, being a EPA, VAC, Stumo, and all my other activities but that is just fine. In between the rebellious activities with Michelle (music videos in mills anyone?) and school and everything else I can continue to grow in my walk with God. I can continue to build on that love and make it stronger. Ohhh baby!

Life, as I know it, is only getting better with each day.

Mexico

7 days.

7 perfect, wonderful days.

I just got back from Mexico less than a week ago and I still can't take the smile of my face. What's more is that I still have my rockin tan. Teehee. I can still feel the insurmontable heat on my skin, the sound of the waves crashing along the shore, and the taste of insatiable strawberry daquiris (ahem, virgin of course). My dad, Lance and I had blast on our trip and really, it was exactly what we all needed. I have been having a busy summer filled with work, internship, friends, coaching, and exercising. It's been a blast. Truly. But I needed time to leave it all behind for just a little while and relax. My dad and Lance have been doing much of the same things: working and keeping busy. We knew that this vacation could not have come at a more opportune time and I truly believe that the trip brought us all closer together.

We spent the first day of our trip pretty much traveling. We had to get to the Denver airport relatively early to make our connecting flight to Dallas. Once we got into Dallas we had to wait for quite some time...our plane was delayed for mechanical reasons. Yet, once we got on the plane to head towards Cancun we were PUMPED. Lance and I had a hard time staying still the whole way there, and my dad had to tell us to be quiet more than once. Ha, just like old times. We finally made it to Cancun around 10:00. The first thing I did? Well of course..I had to check out the ocean! The water was so warm, so beautiful. It was different from the other times I have been to Mexico. In Puerta Vallarta the water was a rich, navy blue. In Cabo San Lucas the water was much colder. I smile as I recall Audra and I sitting on the beach with those boys from Wyoming late at night...hahaha...but that is another story, another time. Anyway, the water in Cancun was TURQUOISE. A deep mix of light blues, topaz, and more. Stepping into it was refreshing; it was so welcoming and so warm. It was unlike anything I have experienced.

We spent the first day lounging around the pool and the ocean. My dad surprised me. He is quiet around some people. In fact, unless he is around family and familiar people he tends to be quiet. Oh no. Not here. My dad literally was friends with everyone in the hotel by day 2. The waiters knew his drink order, and he somehow managed to become Mr. Popular. Me, on the other hand made friends with the ocean. I read Twilight in 2 days and just listened to my IPOD under the cabanna. LIFE WAS GOOD.

Our first big adventure came on 4th of July! My it was strange not being in the USA for the 4th. Especially since it is one of my favorite holidays! The hotel put up a couple decorations here and there, and some local clubs were having Independence Day bashes..but otherwise it was just another normal day in Mexico. We decided to go snorkeling. We left Cancun and went to a marina just outside the city. It was beautiful. The captains of the boat led us on board and we were headed out to sea! When we finally got to jump into the water I was just so..exhilarated. I saw SO many fish. More than that, Lance and I got to feed the fish. We were practically swimming with them! AHHH it was so exciting. After that we all participated in what was dubbed "The Spiniker." It is like parasailing, but more like a swing in the air. Lance bellyflopped in, I swung like a monkey, and my dad yelled "I have no control of my life!!" I think everyone thought we were the freaks on the boat, but hey, what's new.

After we got back from snorkeling we got a little dose of the real Cancun. The Cancun outside the Hotel Zone, the Cancun outside tourism. We went to the heart of the city on a city bus. My dad gave the bus driver a few pesos and we stepped on. Immediately, I felt out of place. As I looked at the faces of the people on the bus, looking back was a group full of curious locals. It appeared as though many were just getting off work and heading back to their homes. They seemed to wonder what these Americans could possibly be doing on a city bus, and I couldn't help but smile when my dad started talking to one of them. It is amazing how nothing ceases him from embracing strangers. It is a gift. We drove for close to an hour; at one point we thought we had gotten on the wrong bus and weren't even going to get back to our hotel. But that became minute when we passed homes built out of sticks, beggars running through the streets, and dogs running on the sidewalks with tumors bulging out of their poor, tender skin. It was a whole other world...and only about 10 minutes from our hotel. We didn't say anything to eachother as we passed through the poverty-stricken streets. All I could really think about was how selfish I felt for being on vacation. I felt as if I was strutting how luxurious or rich I looked to be...I felt like was so absorbed in being on vacation that I forgot to think what it was like for the locals. For tourists to constantly be in their homeland, swarming the beaches like cattle. Okay, that might be a little exaggerated, but I just felt helpless. All I could do was look and wonder how they managed to get by with so little. God is in control. I had to repeat that to myself on the way back to the hotel. Over and over again.

The next day was a day that any adventurer would live for. We went to Tulum which is a site for ancient Mayan ruins. One word. COOL. It was thrilling to be on the old stomping grounds for the Mayans and to hear about their culture and ways of living. As a history buff, I was fascinated and wanted to hear more and more about the Mayans. Our next big adventure occured the next day and it was by far the highlight of the trip for my dad: deep sea fishing. We got on a fishing boat with another family from Nebraska and we went miles and miles out into the middle of the Carribbean Sea. As I looked down, I remember being able to clearly see the tranquilty of the fish as they moved through the coral, and occassionally seeing a big baracuda ready to invade and eat some dinner. Dad ended up catching a sailfish (like a marlin) while Lance and I both got baracudas. The feeling of reeling in a big fish was new and exciting; the biggest fish I recall ever catching was a salmon in the cold, rushing rivers of Colorado. Needless to say, we pulled back into the pier a happy bunch.

The rest of the trip was spent around the hotel and around the ocean. At one point my dad and I tried to find a bookstore in the middle of downtown Cancun. Two taxis, a bus, and three blocks of walking later we came upon a mall and finally found the bookstore. OF COURSE there was a small English section. With about 4 different selections for English readers. Bugger! I had been looking for the sequel to Twilight but even though it was a failed mission it was quite interesting. I spent a lot of my time by the ocean just taking it all in. I felt so small in the midst of the millions of grains of sand and of the powerful ocean. It is utterly breathtaking to know that God created all of the beauty on this earth. As I dug my feet further and further into the sand I spent time thinking about what God has done in my life, what I have been through, the relationships I have built, my dreams, and what I truly love. That I think was the best part of this vacation. I had time to reflect. I had the freedom to take it all in. Not only this, but I had thoughtful conversations with both my dad and Lance. We spent hours every night at dinner laughing and gazing into the ocean. I am so blessed to have had this experience..especially with those two. After 7 glorious days I have a new appreciation for my life, for Lance, for my dad, and for all the blessings that God has given me. Mexico was pretty much baller.

As the plane headed BACK to Dallas lifted off and I had a chance to look down and see the landscape of the Yucatan Peninsula I smiled. I smiled not just because of the great memories I made and not just because of the good food I consumed, but because I grew closer to my family and grew closer with God.

Glimpses of Change

I watched the Bucket List the other day. Okay, that is a lie; I watched it twice in two days. I watched it late one Saturday night after getting home from Audra's house. On my laptop, alone in my room. Naturally, I liked the movie and again watched it the next day. After a whirlwind day of getting baptized, brunch with my family, and golf with my dad, it felt like the perfect thing to watch. It truly is a wonderful movie, and there is one idea, one quote that is continually sticking out in my mind:

You measure yourself by the people who measure themselves by you.

The face that Morgan Freeman said this made it sound even more awe-inspiring and omniscient, but disecting this statement down to the bear bones it utterly sensational. It's moving and it is downright powerful. I have had this problem in previous years of measuring myself by things. My accomplishments, my qualities..the list goes on. It wasn't until that my spiritual growth was kicked into high gear that I realized that living for myself doesn't work. Living to achieve great milestones in life doesn't work. The only thing I can really do is to live for Him. I am of course, speaking of the glorious God, the Alpha and the Omega, the Maker. I didn't know what that meant a few years ago. Heck, about 5 years ago I didn't know the heck God even was! Yet, as long as my life is inwardly and outwardly dedicated to Him I can make a difference in other lives for the better. People can be changed from other people in a holy and spiritual way--my friends, it is called the Holy Spirit. I don't have to meddle in people's problems. I don't have to worry sick about what direction there life is going in. I can give THAT to God, and can show them love through the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit gives me the right words, brings me to the right places, and acts through me on God's behalf. Holy moly that is incredible.

I want to make my own Bucket List. What would I put on it though? I have been blessed with so much already, but I know there is SO much more for me to see and experience. I can think of a few things:

1) Go skydiving. Cliche? Yes. But hello, it looks utterly fantastic.

2) Have traveled to every state in America.

3) Go on a Safari.

4) See Israel!!!

5) Swim underneath a waterfall.

6) Be a mother.

7) Fall in love.

Those are only glimpses in what I want to experience with life. Glimpses, I tell you.

Like I said, before I watched the movie I was baptized. I tried putting into words what that experience was like in my journal, but you would have to see the smile streched across my face. You would have to feel the glow in my heart, and understand the passion I feel for the almighty God. I can't describe it. But, I will say that getting baptized at all of 19 years old was hands down was incredible. As I gazed upon the congregation and shared my story of coming to Christ I looked up at my Pastor with anxious eyes. He took my hand and slowly, but majestically dipped me into the water. In a matter of seconds I was soaked and above water again, but for that milisecond, for that brief glimpse everything was perfect. I felt that strong and comforting hands of God upon me. I felt so..liberated. So free. It wasn't as if the water provided salvation. Oh no. I got baptized because I wanted to outwardly express an inner devotion. I am resolutley, completely devoted to God. I wanted to live for HIM. And I knew that to continue to grow and discover on my journey with God, I would need to wash away the old me. The old desires. The old tendencies. Everything. It's like a Super Walmart sale--"Everything Must Go!". Ha, but seriously. In order for me to unquestionably embrace the beauty of God, by his grace, I had to let go of everything holding me back. Now, it is gone. I have changed. Like I was when I first accepted Christ, I am becoming new. After all, Revelation 21:5 says, "Behold, I make all things new." Everyday, every fleeting moment I am growing more and more with my relationship with God. GLORY.

Fittingly, today I had one of the best days this summer. It wasn't that it was filled with events or monumental occurences. Honestly, it was just pure bliss. To be in His presence, and know this, and to carry it everywhere with me was so humbling. From holding little kids at the Gathering Place, to coaching moody yet hilarious teen girls field hockey, to doing silly workouts at the gym and laughing hysterically with Hardy---it was all so joyous. I have laughed so much today. There is so much peace in my heart. Thank you God. Thank you.

Summer Ramblings

The rich and the poor meet together: the Lord is the maker of them all.

Proverbs 22:2

Mondays and Tuesdays have quickly become my favorite days of the summer. Every Monday and Tuesday morning I make the drive from Aurora to Denver. Of course, I am not talking beautiful 16th Street Mall Denver. I am not talking about LoDo or Cherry Creek where you can find extravagence on every corner. I am talking about Colfax Denver. The bad part of town. It takes me about 40 minutes to get to the Gathering Place and I truly love the drive. Listening to my IPOD and sipping coffee allows me to wake up every morning and just mentally, spiritually, and physically prepare for the day. I get the view of the mountains from Arapahoe Road and everytime the sun is shining I know that good things are to come. Once I turn on Colfax the scene totally changes. Sure, the sun is still shining. But the sheer poverty of the area is evident everywhere. Homeless people are roaming for blocks and blocks, the buildings are slowly decaying away, and low income housing is rampant. In one drive to Denver I can learn a lot about how people live.

My time at the Gathering Place has truly been undescribable. There is nothing that I could say that would do it justice; I can only say that I love the place immensly. I feel so apart of the family there, and I have made friends with some of the coolest kids ever: Ezekiel, Moses, Dixie, Isaiah, and Lizzy to name a few. I love having little kids as friends. They are so willing to love. They love with no questions asked. I almost feel guilty; I feel sometimes I am taking away more than I can ever provide them. My little buddy Ezekiel has recently been put in daycare. This is wonderful news. This means that his mom is getting a job and trying to build stability in their lives. As a result, we don't get to see him much anymore because they are not relying on the resources of the Gathering Place as much. I am so proud of them. I am so HAPPY for them. I have been praying for them, and I believe this is God's intervention in their lives. I love that in place surronded by violence, gangs, and drugs good things can still happen. I see women everyday making small, but significant victories in their lives. From finding housing or staying clean from drugs, GOOD THINGS HAPPEN. This idea is important to me because when I started my internship at the Gathering Place I prepared myself for sadness. All the time. Yes, I see sad and terrible things on a daily basis. But the good things always seem to outshine everything else. What a blessing.

I have to come to love this stage in my life. I am fully able to work 2 jobs, have an internship, and coach and somehow still have time to spend with family and friends. This summer is a great stage in my life and I am excited to see where else my adventures take me. I love being a 19 year old who still loves to play Marco Polo at the pool, who loves watching Disney classics, and who loves late night ice cream trips. Growing up is good. It is necessary to discover things about yourself and how they impact you. I have discovered that age is temporal, but love is not. I will always love things I have done as a child, and as I mature, I will still love them. I love the warm Colorado sun, I love random summer days, and I love playing basketball with my family as dusk begins to set. There is just something about being home. Something intangible; something extraordinary. I know I will be ready to go back to Hendrix in the fall. But as for now, I am going to enjoy every moment. Every second. Because I truly want to LIVE. I want to feel God's presence in all that I do. I know He is with me and that He will give me strength when I am weak, and carry me when I fall. I am okay with falling. I am okay with not being perfect. He is there. Really, that is all that matters.

Three passions have governed my life: The longings for
love, the search for knowledge, And unbearable pity for the suffering of
[humankind].
Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness. In the union of
love I have seen In a mystic miniature the prefiguring vision Of the heavens
that saints and poets have imagined.
With equal passion I have sought
knowledge. I have wished to understand the hearts of [people]. I have wished to
know why the stars shine.
Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens, But
always pity brought me back to earth; Cries of pain reverberated in my heart Of
children in famine, of victims tortured And of old people left helpless. I long
to alleviate the evil, but I cannot, And I too suffer.
This has been my
life; I found it worth living.

-- Bertrand Russell