I have to take long slow breathes
I throw my head back and dip my long hair slowly in the water
Submerging my face, closing my eyes
Holding my breathe so that I can hide from the world
And wishing, praying, hoping
And fighting
Fighting hard
The anger is hard to recognize, clinging on, making it impossible to say goodbye to
It sticks never ceasingly to my heart like the sweet humidity of summer in Arkansas
Only this isn't sweet
It's bitter
It's anger
She should not have this
That damn disease is creepingly seeping into her, robbing her of her dignity
Of her expressions
Of her voice
Like a meticulous robber of a bank, wearing the black mask, it has no face
But it steals
Slowly
Painfully
And I'm mad
Why? WHY HER?
And the anger takes over and build resentment
It's building a bridge, a bridge that I hate to cross, a bridge I drag my feet to get to, but a bridge that I am afraid I will cross
I find it hard to even look as she eats
Hard to listen, her voice jumbling together with the tender melody she used to loudly express herself with, but now is reduced to mere mumbles understood only in quiet moments
The disease takes more and more, sucking, like a parasite the life I used to see in her
Soon, who will I see?
I get so mad
SO frusturated
Where did it take her?
Give her back
NOW.
And then I look in those blue eyes
Blue like the color of the sky on a perfect day
Blue like the quitessential color of paradise
I found her
She's there
I recognize her, I see her spirit, in her blue eyes
They may struggle to stay open, struggle to see, but there she is
Genevra
My grandmother
The woman who has taught me to live and love and to never resort to anger
NEVER.
And the anger needs to go
She is saving me again, it is her that is able to whisk away the anger with just a small touch
We hold hands and I am made whole again
I struggle and fight
And I fight more
It's in my bath, in the midst of sobs, where my tears meet the water holding my body, where I find peace
The anger is trickling away
Away and away and away
Slowly
but surely
I love her
The anger has to go
And then there can only be love
Wow!
ReplyDeleteThis is a wonderful expression of the struggle that you are going through. I can't even imagine. But this is beautiful because it recognizes your emotions and the hope you can find.
I LOVE YOU
~Rach
Heather,
ReplyDeleteI read this the day you posted it but didn't really know what to say. I just know how real this is, how thick and confusing, difficult and unspeakable. Rachel's allright, though, and I've been thinking a lot this week about you and this journey with your grandmother. Be angry- it shows you're passionate. But above all, love. I know you know that...you know it better than I do. I love you so much, let's talk soon ♥
Heather,
ReplyDeleteThat may be the most beautiful thing I've ever read. I'm trully sorry for what you've been through, but I don't think I've ever seen someone approach such a hard time with so much strength and honesty that you've shown in this work. I've haved a similar experience of looking at a loved one changed by a disease and having trouble finding the person I knew them as and know that even the anger you feel is only a result of the love you bear for your grandmother. You and your grandmother are in my prayers. God be with you as you begin your journey across America this summer!
Philip J. Brooks
Heather,
ReplyDeleteI love this. As Rachel said, you show your struggle through your words. You tell your story with elegance. Baby, you're allowed to be angry, but you, only you could word it so serenely. Your words move me, as you filter your feelings and work through them- holding on to the beauty as you always do. You're so strong and the fact that your Grandmother makes you strong is beautiful. Heather, your outlook on life has affected mine in the best way possible. Little things that used to make me angry don't anymore because I find myself searching for that beauty that you see. Your Grandma has touched you and given you the ability to touch others. I love you, please never stop writing, because to me, your writing is wonderful and it touches my heart.