Lines & Walls

I feel myself closing off

Which says a lot, since I feel like all I ever do is let people in

It is easier to shut people out, you know

The baggage you carry can just fall by the wayside and you don't have to deal with that stuff if you really don't want to

You can draw the line

You can put up a wall

And I've done that before 

Hasn't everyone?

Aren't relationships often filled with a variety of walls meticulously placed to cover any flaws we are afraid will emerge?

And for me, those walls came crumbling down when I decided that that isn't any way to live

I have nothing to hide

I am who I am

And If I'm on guard, I pray I let it just come down

Or If I keep walls up, God willing there is a reason

Can you really ever know everything about someone?

Can you really know everything about yourself?

kids

I am lucky. Every morning or afternoon that I decide to take a run here in Colorado I often have clear skies, perfect temperatures, and the mountains as my backdrop.

When I am on my runs my mind does one of two things. On some days it might be running in circles, thinking about everything I could possibly think of, while some days my mind finds balance, and I don't think about much at all.
Three days ago it wasn't one of those days where I had a peaceful run. My run was spastic; I really was all over the place. Some of that was due to the issues Lance has been having, some of it was rooted in dealing with an assortment of emotions after finally being home and leaving Hendrix, and actually some of the thoughts that circled in my mind were about what I wanted to do with my life.
I've spent a lot of time trying to find the perfect descriptor, the perfect way to encapsulate what I want to do after college. I've been looking for the right label, the right career.
And just like clothes and everything else in life, labels just really don't work for me.
I don't really know what my future is going to look like. I can admit that. I do know, with full certainty though, that whatever I do after Hendrix, kids will be involved. I've got a lot of learning left to do, but in my nearly 21 years of life, many of the moments that stand out have been with kids. It's also true that these moments with kids has brought new insight into my life, with some kids teaching me more about life than I could ever learn on my own.
On the corner of Colfax and High Street turn right. Park 2 blocks away. That way, you can get in a nice brisk walk to clear your mind. You will pass an elementary school on one side, and one of Denver's historical districts on the other. Scratch that. Before you really see the historical district, filled with Victorian architecture, you will probably be distracted by the fading homes along the sidewalk. Not quite projects, but not quite comfortable living, it's hard not to wonder what it must be like to live in these Capitol Hill Apartments. You will walk in and immediately head to the third floor. This will lead you to the family area section of the Gathering Place. Smile at the women you pass in the stairwell. You can't imagine the battle they are fighting. When you enter the family area, the colors are vibrant, toys are everywhere, and there is laughter. This laughter comes in the midst of pain, loss, and fear—more than I could really ever understand. Yet, there is laughter, and the kids seek this.
I seek this too.
Lizzy, Janet, and Jesus taught me how to love God even when it is hard to comprehend the trials we all face in life. The prayed with me—in Spanish and English—and made me feel a part of their small family.
Betty showed me how to be a friend. She especially showed me how to smile and how to be kind always.
Ezekiel, even though just being a little guy, taught me how far a hug can go. Ezekiel means "God will strengthen" and I always felt my spirits lift when I was in his presence.

Being with kids has always been easy for me. Okay, that isn't completely true. How can I forget the crazier moments, the moments that made me want to scream? I've watched kids who cry the minute the garage door closes, I've had kids hide from me, and I have also dealt with rather intelligent kids who try and bribe their way out of bedtime. So, it hasn't always been easy. But even with the kids that are less than delightful, I still find myself wanting to be with them, wanting to help them.

Kids love easily and want to be loved back. That's what I want to do, I think. I want to just be in a position to love—to show kids out there that someone does care. I want to help kids know that they too can get an education. More than anything, I want to assist them in fully realizing their potential. Somehow, I want to show kids the strength they have inside, and how they can use this in life to find their calling, to reach their dreams.

I don't know what you call that.
But, it may just be my calling.

This is what I was thinking as I glanced up at the endless sky, more blue than I have seen in quite a long time. No, it wasn't a day that my run was calm, smooth, and effortless. My calves were spotted with a mixture of dirt and snow, my legs were sore, and my mind was buzzing. But, I guess when you think about the things to come, about what to do in life, and about the blessings and opportunities God provides, it's hard not to get just a little excited.

Betsy & Janet at TGP

http://www.the-gatheringplace.org/

Dear Lance

I hate that you don't see what I see.

I find myself frustrated that you believe so much in others and can't even believe in yourself.

You're in a rough place right now—trying to bounce back from your seizure and trying to battle depression at the same time.

I wish you could see what we would do for you.

I would do anything—as would everyone in our family—because we love you.

I don't understand it, and I'll be the first to admit that.

But I do understand this—you will do (and have done) great things.

You words hurt sometimes. They sting like hot coffee in my mouth early in the morning. And yet, they are just words.

You can do better and so can I. We all can. We all will.

You inspire me. You are capable of overcoming anything. This time will be no different.

I love you.

Heifer

Arnold Palmers are my favorite drinks.

I am weird.

I want to be a social worker when I grow up.

Mexican food is my favorite.

I feel loved.

I dream of going to Italy.

My favorite thing in the world is laughter.

My name is Heather Newell.

My favorite movie is the blind side.

Banana Cream Pie is the best dessert ever!

Green is my favorite color.

I am from Aurora, Colorado.

HE TERMINADO!

I haven't taken Spanish since last year but I was feelin' a little rebellious today after finally completing the semester. Especially that hellish class they call HISTORIOGRAPHY.

I am done with my classes for the fall semester of junior year.

That is a loaded statement. For one, I loved my classes (for the most part) this semester. Oh, not to mention JUNIOR year. I'm still amazed how fast time is moving. It's just so hard to fathom.

The room is ready to be loaded up. My stuff is in bags, bins, and boxes. My two suitcases are packed. Once I wash my sheets I will be set to go.

It's sad. Scary. Amazing. Exciting. Weird. All at the same time.

I think packing up a suitcase meant a lot more to me this time around—especially since I can only check two bags because I am flying. I had to really find the clothes I wanted to bring to Ghana. Pack the pictures I really wanted to take. And really just bring the stuff that means the most to me. Most of all, it just reminded me how much damn stuff I have. I want to be free of all of it.

I miss my family so very much. Landing in Denver on Sunday night, complete with freezing temperatures and snow sounds perfect. I want to lay on the couch with Buddy, go in the hot tub, hang out with Lance, and maybe even run around the neighborhood, if I feel daring enough.

Mostly, I just want a break. To just relax. Before the next big journey begins.

I am going to miss my girls. It brings tears to my eyes every time I know another goodbye is coming. Saying goodbye just never gets easier. Especially this time around. Things are different, 9 months apart sounds a lot scarier than just a quick summer.

So, here we go. Tears will fall. We will cry. But we will always be friends.

I am done with Hendrix until next Fall.

And it will all be okay. All of it.