20 things I know for sure

I've attended a fine institution for the past 4 years. I've been challenged, perplexed, confused, intrigued, bored, lazy, excited, happy, tired, enthralled, but always grateful.

How can you just not love this place?

For 4 years now, I've taken classes here in the pursuit of some sense of knowledge, with an important piece of paper waiting at the end of all of this.

I'll get the paper soon, I'll throw up my graduation cap, but everything else that comes with 4 years at Hendrix—I'll take all of that with me. Just like everyone else. Each Hendrix grad will have their own stories and memories to share, many overlapping, and the experiences we had here are somehow a part of us now.

While I don't know everything after 4 years of liberal arts education (let's be real…I'm nowhere close, nor will I ever be) but I can say that I am walking away with some sense of things that I believe in, things that I at this point in my life know to be true.

As I prepare to leave, pack, and say goodbye, I have been reflecting on things that I know for sure. These are often fluid, they might change next month, next year, and another big stage in my life. A lot of them though, I have learnt through experiences, or I have believed for a long time anyway.

As I finish my college education I know this for sure:

1. Having a meal plan senior year is worth the extra money. Eating with people is one of the best ways to get to know them, to share stories, and to enjoy their company.
   
2. You can sometimes get to the same place by both slacking off or working extremely hard. Working hard always feels so much better.
   
3. Black coffee really isn't that good.
   
4. You should love yourself and be comfortable with who you are, but it's incredibly important to be open to change.
   
5. Road trips are good for the soul.
   
6. A good friend is a loyal friend.
   
7. No matter what you do with your life, always search for what makes you happy, and what makes other people happy too.
   
8. If you laugh at yourself and then let other people laugh along with you, it's their way of saying I love you.
   
9. You will never understand time.
   
10. Similarly, you will never understand the fullness, love, and strength of God. Accept this, but don't stop trying.
    
11. Trying new things will do one of two things: one, it will reaffirm what you like or love, or two, it will bring you to something new that you can also enjoy. It's a win-win situation.
    
12. Being a good Christian isn't about the right clothes, keychains, or even words. The most important part of being a Christian, I think, is what you know to be true in your heart, and the outward expression of those feelings and beliefs.
    
13. Goodbyes are difficult. Whether it's for an extended amount of time or for good, it always hurts to say goodbye to people you care about.
    
14. If more people had Southern hospitality, people might be happier.
    
15. It's better to invest into one thing that you love than to have too many commitments that you don't enjoy nearly as much.
    
16. Burning bridges is usually not a good idea.
    
17. You are in no way bound to every belief that your family has. That's perfectly okay, too. Love where you come from, but know there is plenty of freedom to grow from that, be yourself, and still recognize the values and beliefs of your family.
    
18. Hugging people you love is a beautiful way of showing how you feel.
    
19. You can be a morning person and a night person. Just prepare to be tired. And drink lots of coffee.
    
20. Gratitude is a really wonderful quality about people.
    

 

so much for routines

Today was a really good day.

I woke up a little late this morning (I accidently snoozed my alarm) but I made it to work right on time. I delivered the mail to Charlotte, made small-talk about crazy thesis times, and headed to the SLTC for lunch. On my way there, I managed to see about 10 different campus walks, all of the pecan court tables filled with people reading, chatting, and listening to music, and I saw people lying out in the sun. At lunch, I mixed it up a bit and got something off the main menu—Italian sausage and Penne—and also decided to finish off my meal with chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. It was Sundae Thursday after all. We chatted about the school budget, senate, and of course the ever popular topic of what's coming up next in our lives.

After lunch, Jordana and I went to our human rights class. We met in small groups before lecture with people who have similar paper topics, and it was refreshing to hear what everyone was doing with their papers. Our group was placed together because our topics have some common thematic element of social movements. We had a good laugh in trying to figure out exactly why we were all together though, because I and two other of my group members are writing something about education. Another girl in our group is doing Liberation Theology, so trying to figure out exactly how that fit in was rather entertaining. Dr. Goldberg swung by and explained why were placed together, and as she did so, I couldn't help but realize that it is so refreshing to be in a class with a professor who seems to really enjoy what they are doing. I've had some rather, um, you know, interesting professors throughout my college career, and so the real good ones, especially this late in the game (second semester senior year!) are so appreciated. After class I was scheduled to have an independent study meeting with Dr. Skok, but for the third week in a row, she canceled. I suppose I can't complain, as I managed to get extra work done and have a break until Dream Group. Dream Group was a good one today—both Ali and I shared dreams—and I love being able to hear what people are dreaming about, how this intertwines with what is going on in their lives, and sharing ideas with others about what their dreams could mean. It's a real nice way to get to know somebody. We even joked after our session that on facebook we could write that one of our hobbies is "getting to know people through dreams" because you know…that doesn't sound creepy. At all.

After Dream Group was Senior Fellowship. Seniors voted on the meal—lasagna and mac n cheese—so there were many happy people in the room. It was kind of surreal realizing that this was the last fellowship. Ever. Everything has just moved so fast that when the last of this or the last of that comes upon you, it's kind of hard to actually process. We watched the senior slideshow. As images of Journey of Reconciliation, and other mission trips, and fellowship over the years came up, I couldn't help but cry a little. I mean, I cry a lot anyway, but there is just something about seeing how things have changed, and really how much we have lived here. Today I guess I just had this realization that leaving here is going to be hard in a lot of ways, but the biggest way, I think, will be closing up things here because so much of this has become a second home. I guess I haven't given that much thought, really, everything here is just so natural. After fellowship, I typed up some notes then went to the showing of Party Girl in the library. Really I think everyone needs to see that movie. It might be on the more hilarious things I have seen in awhile—just imagine a fashionista party girl learning how to operate under the Dewey Decimal System.

And so now I am home. While I love reading all about the Civil Rights Movement, I am taking a much needed break and just lounging around, watching the storm, and thinking about what a nice day it was.

I'm pretty sure nobody really cares that much about what I did today. However, in going through what a nice, relatively easy day it was, I am just amazed that in just about a month, this won't be life anymore. There won't be walks around the Pecan Court with my friends, and the Hendrix cafeteria will exists as a legend I will tell people I meet later in life. Birthday cake? Yes. Friday lunch? Yes. Blackberry Crisp every other Tuesday? You better believe it.

I still have month left here, so I'm not trying to get overly nostalgic right now or anything, but it's kind of insane to think about life changes that fast and everything that you are used to (that you love, hate, adore, curse all at the same time) doesn't stay the same.

I think in going through my routine today, I just realized that there isn't a lot of time left. This routine will quickly become a routine of something else. For the next couple of months I kind of know what that will be like since I will be in Aurora, with my family, working a summer job. But beyond that, I really have no idea. Which of course is brilliant, terrifying, and exciting all at the same time.

One month left of college. We made it this far. We are so close to being done. I wouldn't trade this for anything, though. We only have exciting things to come, and though a month will go by fast, there are many, plenty of times to be had, plenty of memories to be made.

“Don’t you know—they’re talking about a revolution”

The same feeling validates everything all over for me each time it comes along.

It's been missing for a little while; I have been privately wondering if everything that I think I am supposed to be doing is a conception in my head, more of a want than a purpose.

This morning it came back like it was never gone, and I'm here in my room in our apartment feeling fulfilled. Satisfied. More than anything, excited.

Maria and I were working through some math problems today and she was really struggling at the beginning. She was getting confused with place values and then putting a large number into expanded notation. I was trying to find an understandable way of explaining the concept, but nothing was really working. And then, it just clicked. She was able to explain to me why something would be rounded a certain way, and how you had to consider each number when figuring out a problem.

I am excited that my life could be (and has been, really) full of moments like this. The best part is, it really is not about me at all. It's about them. It's about sharing the process of the learning, the chance to exchange stories, the ability to just connect and laugh together.

By no means am I a revolutionary.

Just because I like to be around kids and teach them, love them, hold them—all of this doesn't mean I am going to change the inherent problems of the education system in America, the global inaccessibility for many poor children across the globe, or the cruel poverty of places all over the world.

I've been naïve. In many ways I still am. But, I have also learnt a lot in my young life, and I know that changing one life, having an impact on just one individual, this does not equate to large change. Yes, I know that. However, why not try? Why not live your life and try to make just one child happy for a moment? Or maybe teach them something that might stick with them for the course of a week, a year, or their life? To me, that's worth everything. I think in so many ways we can all have this calling. Maybe mine might be on the sports field teaching young girls how to play a sport, but yours could be elsewhere. It could be in the archives, it could be in a clinic, it could be in a classroom, it could be in the office, it could be on Wall Street, it could be right in your own home.

There really isn't a reason not to try.

I have been reading a lot about Mary Bethune for one of my classes this semester. Mary Bethune was a woman full of strength, wit, and absolute determination. She was a teacher and a civil rights activist beginning in the very early years of the 20^th century. She led many organizations to bring together African American women and she believed whole-heartedly in the power of learning. She once said,

"from the first, I made my learning, what little it was, useful every way I could."

Mary Bethune was the daughter of slaves in South Carolina and even as early as the age of 5, she had to work in the fields with her parents. This sparked her to take a strong interest and investment in her own education. She took her own initiative, she learnt to read and write, and turned this around the rest of her life, teaching young girls and boys how to do the same. She is known for a lot of things, but what I admire about her most is her unquestioned willingness to share her knowledge, life, and love to young children who may otherwise not have the chance to grow and learn the way she did.

She had that kind of calling. A lot of people do. Maybe the hardest part is not discovering what you are meant to do, but following through with it.

I am excited about my life. I like saying that. I like truly believing that. Sometimes, I just get stuck in what the next plan is, what makes the most sense, and what situation provides the most security.

That's not me, though. I'm moving forward with where I think I belong, where I just might be called to, and where I can do the best in offering my very best self.

life is wonderful.

The windows are open. It's a nice Saturday afternoon. The BBQ Ribeye is cooking. I just added a great portion to my thesis. I'm barefoot.

A year ago I was traversing treacherously across West Africa. In fact, probably right around this time a year ago, I was likely riding on top of a gas can as we inched closer and closer to Penjari National Park in Benin. Those were crazy times. Those were stressful times. But more than anything, those were very very good times.

I know what I was doing then. I know what I am doing now. But for the first time in a while, I can't tell you what I will be doing a year from now.

I just. don't know.

For the last 9 months, I have focused all of energies into signing up and doing the Peace Corps. It's been the option that I felt most strongly about, it is a chance to do what I really love to do, and I feel confident that I would do a good job. It would be intensely challenging, it would change my life completely. As hard as change is, I think sometimes I live for that—I live for knowing that ultimately we have to adjust, we situate, and we just do the best we can. The Peace Corps would be a great mix of everything I enjoy in life, and so I just assumed it was the logical choice—the perfect choice, even.

I'm a believer in signs. And sometimes, God just gives you signs to point you on the right way.

I don't think God is saying don't go. I don't think that at all. But in the past week, I have been feeling so utterly called to think thoroughly about all my options for the next year, two years, or whatever it may be for my life.

I have been essentially offered a fellowship at the Miller Center at school. Originally, I gave this opportunity about 2 seconds of thought and filed it away far into my email inbox. Except, I didn't realize exactly what it would be like. Assuming it was a job full of filling in the gaps and completing office work, I wanted something more. Come to find out, this fellowship would be all about linking students with services, projects, and volunteer opportunities in the Conway community. It would be assisting Hendrix students to discover their own vocation and calling. And, I would get to help with Fellowship and other religious activities on campus as well. Once I realized what this fellowship actually entails, I couldn't help but slow down and consider the goodness that could come from this. I would have a chance to live on my own and be independent, but I could so in a familiar environment that I do really love. I could have a balance of change and stability, something completely opposite of the Peace Corps. I would be financially secure too, and could save money for one day going to graduate school for social work.

I've made pro-con lists. I've talked it over with my family and friends. I've flip flopped back and forth about 100 times.

The great thing is, I don't lose. With any option here, I am gaining something invaluable and am getting a chance to move forward with my life on my own terms. I feel fortunate to have options like this. My dad has told me time and time again: "a good sign of success is the ability to choose where you want to go in your life. Options are a best-case scenario." Thanks dad.

That's something I realized through this process.

After beginning the process with Peace Corps, I felt very tied to that option. I felt like I had already committed. But, I haven't. And this isn't to say that I am not going to do it. But I feel now that I have a choice. It's my choice, and I like that. Ultimately, it comes down to what I think is best for me. It's scary, hard, and kind of terrifying. But, it's also very freeing. The next years of my life—the rest of my life—can be decided on my own terms. I do a lot of things a lot of times to please people. It's the curse of being a people pleaser, I think. But this time, I'm doing what I want to do. Of course, this changes every single day, but I find a lot of relief in being able to make this decision.

By no means is the decision of the century, but it's an important one.

I have to decide soon. In just about a week. And, I won't even know about Peace Corps officially until July. I have my interview with the Miller Center on the 7^th, and before that, there are some Peace Corps events on campus that I plan on attending. I'm hoping by then things are a little less murky and a lot clearer.

Until then, I am going to also remember that I am still here. I have my friends, I have the last part of senior year, so why not just enjoy it while I have it? Life decisions are intensely difficult, but life is also intensely wonderful, and for this I am grateful.