You are Invited...

Pretty much one year to the day, I started and finished my Peace Corps application process. It's now over. Well, it's actually really just beginning, but the application part is done and done. I'm going to be serving in RWANDA, leaving in September.
I will head to an American city for two days (most likely Philly, PA) for a brief "staging" which is essentially a basic orientation.
And then, we will head as a group to fly out to Rwanda (probably out of NYC). We will spend the first three months as PCT (Peace Corps Trainees) in Rwanda going through cultural and language training. INTENSE training it seems. Assuming I make it through (if you know my language skills you would be concerned also...) then I will be sworn in as a volunteer (repeating the same statement the President of the United States takes when they are sworn in...) and I will move to SOMEWHERE in Rwanda where I will live and teach for 2 years. 24 months. A LONG time.
But I'm happy. excited. scared. nervous. A whole ton of things, really.
But mostly, I just want to say thank you to everybody, especially my friends and family for sticking with me during this long application process. I have been upset, mad, happy, crazy...all at different times. So, just thanks. It means so much to me.

Do What You Love

I came home from college (for the last time) 2 odd months or so ago.

In some ways it has felt like forever ago. In other ways, it has felt like I just got here. Most days though, it feels like I've been here at home forever.

It's not to say that's necessarily a bad thing; rather, I've just become so accustomed to the 8-4 (or sometimes 8-8) workdays that the days of late night studying in the carrels, watching random episodes of Friends in the HAM living room, and eating macncheese and chicken fingers for Friday lunch is so far removed from where I am right now. I miss those things a lot. Maybe even the studying? I really really do. Which is probably why adjusting to being back here albeit burritos all of the days and family all the time has still been a difficult season for me.

Of course, there have been lovely things about being here.
I have rather enjoyed eating my family's cooking. I have relished in going to Chipolte on the whim of a burrito craving, and there is something nice about having mountains back in the skyline again. And as always, it's been nice to be back with my crazy/weird/fun family again. Just when I think I have them all figured out....I definitely don't. It's fun.

I haven't been writing about this much lately, but I think as much as I love being around my family again, it's harder than ever before because I have felt much more closed off than I usually am. I'm not exactly someone who holds back; quite the opposite, much of the time I like putting myself out there and just going with it. But after graduation, I have found myself internally reflecting upon experiences, processing and digesting if you will, and I have let this kind of inner reflection stop me from really divulging a lot to my parents, but more so, my friends here too. I feel guarded. I just have these moments where I don’t feel as carefree as I enjoy being….and that’s hard.

So, I’m trying to get back to that in my life here. Of course, now it’s nearing the end of summer, but there is always a little time to be spontaneous and just dive into things with a little bit of light-heartedness. I hiked a mountain in the foothills just last weekend, to a place I have never been before. I know my parents really didn’t appreciate the whole I’m-going-hiking-alone-thanks-love-you-bye, but when I arrived home safely, they seemed to shrug it off. I ate dinner alone at a restaurant one weekend, which was, interesting for sure. More than just sparking some long lost sense of independence, it’s not like I’m trying to do things alone, I’m just doing things that add a little bit of spark into me again. I embrace (and always have) the feeling of waking up in the mornings and being excited. For whatever reason, that’s been a little missing, but I know I can get it back. I quit my second job realizing that all it was doing was adding extra baggage to my already full work schedule. I was tempted to just working the rest of the summer one time last week; but I sucked it up, ignored my people pleasing tendencies and politely confirmed that I would, in fact, be leaving next week.

I suppose the culmination of this desire to find spontaneity in my life can best be revealed in my upcoming three week trek over on the other side of the country. Even before that, Michelle is coming to Colorado and we are going to spend the weekend at my uncle’s cabin. It will be superb. I know it. Following her much anticipated visit, I will have to pack and hurry as I’m leaving that Friday for Little Rock—en route to Disney World with Rachel!!! I couldn’t be more excited. It’s just going to be exactly what we both need after a summer full of work, work, and more work. We will Disney-it-up, have a blast, and then move Rachel into her apartment in Murfreesboro, TN. No big deal, right? Then, it’s Michelle’s big day in Moscow, TN, and I will say some joyous hellos/difficult goodbyes before heading back to Hendrix for a week to visit and see the field hockey home opener.

I think it’s fair to say, that’s some major spontaneity.

But there’s a lesson in all of this, I think. There always is. It’s easy to be spontaneous when planning things on a whim; things that take you away and remove yourself from the daily grind of a working summer. It’s much harder with a work schedule when all you want to do is come home and rest after a long work day, which, a) is totally fine (welcome, even!) and b) usually quite necessary. Yet, I’ve realized that for me personally to be happy and content and to just enjoy the day, even it is just work, there has to be passion in my life—passion for a certain hobby or activity or idea or something I am learning about or even just passion to be around the people you love. This is essential to getting through times where you feel down, drained, and ready to throw in the towel. You just have to find what you like to do. It’s an old mantra I’m sure that Oprah has reiterated on her show countless times and an old adage that elderly men and women might confirm throughout their old age, but no matter what, it’s a timeless lesson with a lot of timeless value.
Confession.
Michelle told me just a couple weeks ago while we were on the phone that I had a future in being a life coach. Humbling and hilarious, I couldn’t help but smile and ponder the idea whimsically. Though I think I’m going to stick with the whole I-love-kids-let’s-inspire-them-to-reach-their-full-potential thing, this too, is a small macro example of being a life coach, right? So, maybe she was right all along. I am getting a clearer picture of what might be coming up next in my life. Whether it be evoking strong values and lessons to do my best and imitate what we call a “life coach” or you find me hanging out on the playgrounds with kids or you find me in an office doing clerical work or you just find me in a community somewhere in Africa, I hope that no matter what, I’m enjoying different aspects of my life. I’m exploring a variety of opportunities in life, and I am also relying on a sense of passion that has carried me this far. If I’m doing all these things, wherever I am, wherever my home may be, I am confident that I will be happy.

free falling

I went snorkeling for the last time this morning. Audrey and Jeffrey were busy catching waves; Dad and Gretchen were soaking up precious time on the beach, so Lance and I put on our gear and ventured out in the ocean.

The powerful waves naturally take swimmers near Black Rock—where all the beautiful coral and swarms of marine life are located—so I just let the water do its thing. Next thing I know, I was alone, brushing up against the high tide. For once, my mask wasn't filling with water and I was free to explore. If it is high tide it usually isn't the best time to snorkel, but I just had a feeling that I might see some cool fishies.

I managed to maneuver myself past the murky water, full of the unknown, and made my way closer to shore. In the process of doing so, I ran right into hundreds of fishes. Hundreds! Swimming all around me, I laughed, forgetting that sea water would fill my mouth and nose. I come up quickly for fresh air, fixed my mask, and went back under. I was captivated. Orange, brown, green, yellow. What were all these fish doing? Where were they going?

Later, as I was reflecting upon my adventures in the water, I thought of Tom Petty's "Free Falling." He sings the he is going to leave this world for awhile, and I think I finally get what that means. It's finding relaxation, peace, and a sense of release from everything that brings us down. That's what snorkeling felt like this morning. Freeing.

At the beginning of this trip, I didn't know if I would find this sense of release. I really just wasn't sure. Tension was abounding every which way. News of Lance due to be a father was weighing us all down. And, just on one of the first nights we had in Maui, Lance and I talked intimately about his depression and it scared me. I saw glimpses of a brother I did not know. Even Gretchen and Dad were expressing issues in their marriage that I didn't know existed.

One night, I went on the beach alone and just cried. I said aloud things like, "Why is this happening?" or "I just can't do this." I think I was talking to God, but I really don't know. I couldn't understand how a place like Maui—a place of astounding beauty—could be bringing so many issues to front—wasn't this supposed to be vacation? I was so sick of dealing with everything. I had hoped vacation would be a BREAK from the emotional stress of the past few months, and yet, here I was thinking I would need a vacation from this vacation.

Mom called early on in the trip and I had to pretend everything was fine. I'm a terrible liar, and somehow she believed me.

However, as quickly as the emotional turmoil came, it seemed to leave just as quickly.

The rest of the trip—the past 4 or 5 days—have been just about perfect.

I realized things were going to be okay as I rode a bike down a mountain (a volcano, really) a couple days after we arrived. I was riding behind our leader and careful to follow his movements; we glided through the road at speeds topping 20 or 25 mph. At one point, I looked around and could not believe where I was. I was about 8,000 ft above sea level and yet I could see the turquoise and navy blue waters perfectly. I could see the neighboring islands, I could see green lush everywhere I looked, and the sun was peaking at just the right point. I was happy and confident things would (and will) work themselves out.

Upon return from our bike ride, Audrey and I played in the ocean for hours. We body boarded, letting the sand penetrate every inch of our bodies, and just had fun. Yes, things would be just fine.

Our last full night in Maui, our family, including the Deckers (Gretchen's sisters family)—sunkissed and content—had dinner as we watched traditional Hawaiian dancing. We took some pictures, laughed, and enjoyed an overly expensive subpar meal.

Dad and Gretchen have begun to work through their issues.

Lance seems happier than he has been in some time. Despite my own questions, I will continue to believe that he is turning his life around. We recently found out that he will in fact, no be a father. It's a complicated situation, but I won't deny that we have discovered new heights of relief.

Audrey is maturing and expressing her feelings more openly to me than before and it's such a nice change. I like having a little sister and though we have never been extremely close, I see things changing for the better in our relationship.

So, after a week of beaching it in Hawaii, soaking up the sun in December, and wearing a bathing suit at all times, where do I stand?

Well, I'm tanner. Should add a little spice to Christmas photos!

But really, I think I'm more fully aware now more than ever that I can only control myself. I cannot fix my family problems. I never have been able to, and I never will. It's been a hard lesson, something I have struggled with for a long time, but it's a much needed one. I am letting it be, or at least I will try to. It's far too draining to make everything better myself, I don't need to. I don't have to.

My dad gave me my birthday present early. After dinner one night, he took me to the Pearl Factory. He let me pick an oyster to open and find a pearl. As the woman cracked it open, the oyster revealed a beautiful pink tinted pearl. I picked a Maile leaf design for the ring. As I put my pearl ring on my finger, the woman told us the ring design is symbolic and based on a leaf that only grows in Hawaii. The leaf represents love, honor, and respect, and is given to someone who has achieved something special. I was humbled, appreciative, and so happy that this was my gift from my dad. I figure as long as I long as I live my life with those three virtues in mind, then great and beautiful things will continue to happen.

I am sad to bid farewell to the ocean and the stunning island of Maui, but I'm fulfilled from the experience and ready for the next adventure.

I'm ready to return to the world for awhile.