free spirit: passion

Monday, July 18, 2011

Do What You Love

I came home from college (for the last time) 2 odd months or so ago.

In some ways it has felt like forever ago. In other ways, it has felt like I just got here. Most days though, it feels like I've been here at home forever.

It's not to say that's necessarily a bad thing; rather, I've just become so accustomed to the 8-4 (or sometimes 8-8) workdays that the days of late night studying in the carrels, watching random episodes of Friends in the HAM living room, and eating macncheese and chicken fingers for Friday lunch is so far removed from where I am right now. I miss those things a lot. Maybe even the studying? I really really do. Which is probably why adjusting to being back here albeit burritos all of the days and family all the time has still been a difficult season for me.

Of course, there have been lovely things about being here.
I have rather enjoyed eating my family's cooking. I have relished in going to Chipolte on the whim of a burrito craving, and there is something nice about having mountains back in the skyline again. And as always, it's been nice to be back with my crazy/weird/fun family again. Just when I think I have them all figured out....I definitely don't. It's fun.

I haven't been writing about this much lately, but I think as much as I love being around my family again, it's harder than ever before because I have felt much more closed off than I usually am. I'm not exactly someone who holds back; quite the opposite, much of the time I like putting myself out there and just going with it. But after graduation, I have found myself internally reflecting upon experiences, processing and digesting if you will, and I have let this kind of inner reflection stop me from really divulging a lot to my parents, but more so, my friends here too. I feel guarded. I just have these moments where I don’t feel as carefree as I enjoy being….and that’s hard.

So, I’m trying to get back to that in my life here. Of course, now it’s nearing the end of summer, but there is always a little time to be spontaneous and just dive into things with a little bit of light-heartedness. I hiked a mountain in the foothills just last weekend, to a place I have never been before. I know my parents really didn’t appreciate the whole I’m-going-hiking-alone-thanks-love-you-bye, but when I arrived home safely, they seemed to shrug it off. I ate dinner alone at a restaurant one weekend, which was, interesting for sure. More than just sparking some long lost sense of independence, it’s not like I’m trying to do things alone, I’m just doing things that add a little bit of spark into me again. I embrace (and always have) the feeling of waking up in the mornings and being excited. For whatever reason, that’s been a little missing, but I know I can get it back. I quit my second job realizing that all it was doing was adding extra baggage to my already full work schedule. I was tempted to just working the rest of the summer one time last week; but I sucked it up, ignored my people pleasing tendencies and politely confirmed that I would, in fact, be leaving next week.

I suppose the culmination of this desire to find spontaneity in my life can best be revealed in my upcoming three week trek over on the other side of the country. Even before that, Michelle is coming to Colorado and we are going to spend the weekend at my uncle’s cabin. It will be superb. I know it. Following her much anticipated visit, I will have to pack and hurry as I’m leaving that Friday for Little Rock—en route to Disney World with Rachel!!! I couldn’t be more excited. It’s just going to be exactly what we both need after a summer full of work, work, and more work. We will Disney-it-up, have a blast, and then move Rachel into her apartment in Murfreesboro, TN. No big deal, right? Then, it’s Michelle’s big day in Moscow, TN, and I will say some joyous hellos/difficult goodbyes before heading back to Hendrix for a week to visit and see the field hockey home opener.

I think it’s fair to say, that’s some major spontaneity.

But there’s a lesson in all of this, I think. There always is. It’s easy to be spontaneous when planning things on a whim; things that take you away and remove yourself from the daily grind of a working summer. It’s much harder with a work schedule when all you want to do is come home and rest after a long work day, which, a) is totally fine (welcome, even!) and b) usually quite necessary. Yet, I’ve realized that for me personally to be happy and content and to just enjoy the day, even it is just work, there has to be passion in my life—passion for a certain hobby or activity or idea or something I am learning about or even just passion to be around the people you love. This is essential to getting through times where you feel down, drained, and ready to throw in the towel. You just have to find what you like to do. It’s an old mantra I’m sure that Oprah has reiterated on her show countless times and an old adage that elderly men and women might confirm throughout their old age, but no matter what, it’s a timeless lesson with a lot of timeless value.
Confession.
Michelle told me just a couple weeks ago while we were on the phone that I had a future in being a life coach. Humbling and hilarious, I couldn’t help but smile and ponder the idea whimsically. Though I think I’m going to stick with the whole I-love-kids-let’s-inspire-them-to-reach-their-full-potential thing, this too, is a small macro example of being a life coach, right? So, maybe she was right all along. I am getting a clearer picture of what might be coming up next in my life. Whether it be evoking strong values and lessons to do my best and imitate what we call a “life coach” or you find me hanging out on the playgrounds with kids or you find me in an office doing clerical work or you just find me in a community somewhere in Africa, I hope that no matter what, I’m enjoying different aspects of my life. I’m exploring a variety of opportunities in life, and I am also relying on a sense of passion that has carried me this far. If I’m doing all these things, wherever I am, wherever my home may be, I am confident that I will be happy.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Endure

From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

Ephesians 4:16

As Paul talks about his visions for the unification of the Body of Christ, I am not only reminded of humanity, the need for transformation in our world, and of what Christians should be looking for, but I think also about unity in my own life. One thing in particular, the field hockey team.

Here in Ephesians parallels where I envision a strong team: that of pieces (people, players, coaches) supporting each other and doing their part with love to create a whole. This whole can be our team.

Training and preparing for fall season of hockey has in so much dominated my summer to this point. I've been hiking, seeing friends, and hanging around the house, but I have been working out just about every day too. It's been good—a way to decompress and set aside my lingering anxieties of readjusting. Ghana is all over me and inside of me—forever. So, being back in America has been hard. I've needed an outlet, a way to get escape the intensity of being back just for a little while. Doing my workouts, focusing on training my body, it's been what I've needed. And, after mediating on this verse in Ephesians, I am more motivated to do my part.

I want to do my part this summer to be ready in August, and I want to do so with determination, effort, and dedication. I want to be a piece to the whole, a whole that is unified with love.

I've been playing this game for almost 8 years. I know what it takes. I've experienced the good, the bad, the challenging, and the rewarding both on and off the field. It's all a part of the game, of the sport, and playing on a TEAM. I love being on a team. I love working hard, together. I love knowing that I can be a part of something much deeper than some girls trying to put a ball in the cage. I love the adrenaline. And, the obstacles too. Because that is really where the learning begins.

When I walked onto the field to try out for the girls field hockey team at Grandview High School, I was an unsure, nervous, and curious girl. What, exactly, was I doing? I played soccer. So when mom signed me up and got me a weird, candy cane looking stick, I wasn't sure how this whole trying out for field hockey would go over.

Who knew that that hesitant girl would become a true fan of this strange sport of field hockey?

From broken noses to overtime goals to runs at the State Championship to being a part of starting a new team, playing field hockey has been crucial to understanding bigger things. You know, things outside 16 yard hits, corners, and pulls.

Friendship. Humility. Trust. Perseverance.

By no means am I a master of any of these things, but I suppose it is those things that keep me going as I do that extra lap around the track. As I lift a few more weights, and as I embarrassingly do more agilities in front of everyone at the gym.

Yes, I do it so Ellie does not kick my ass.

I do it so preseason is a little less painful.

I do it so I am ready for game 1 of my senior season.

A bigger part of me though, endures through summer training so I can continue being a part of this team, where friendship, humility, trust, and perseverance come with the territory.

I endure because I strive to be a supporting ligament, building in love, and doing my work so the whole is joined and held together.

I endure, because really, this is what I love to do.